Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Eats report: volume 20

Pasties, pastry, grey sludge and goji!

 

I've changed man, I used to be cool! Well actually I was never cool...

But yes, we're on to number 20 of these stupid reports I started up when I was still sorta starving and food obsessed, but a lot less starving and food obsessed than I was the previous summer where I just hated life and wanted to die, or in the autumn when I was at my lowest and was literally dying...

I honestly can't believe I bothered to keep doing them, because in general I am awful at sticking to things, but at the same time I did them because they help me, and it's easier to talk about this side of the whole trying to get better from anorexia thing than all the emotional changes I'm going through right now. I'm also someone that would be handed a meal plan, do it for a day, freak and then super restrict to compensate, there's very little in the way of mental health services in my city, and virtually no eating disorders service at all, so another reason I do these is to help other people in my position, who are as stuck as I was to get a little unstuck with the food side. Structure, stoicism and stealth has been my mantra since January, when I began all this.

There's a lot of brain stuff which is happening to me now, which I struggled to believe would happen. When I was full on starving I felt like me, and didn't feel like my cognitive functioning had been affected until it started improving. I suppose when I was sick I was kind of scared I wouldn't want to be anorexic anymore and all my 'hard work' would have been in vain, while similarly not wanting to be anorexic anymore... It was a weird position to be in, I can tell you that. All I know is at the time I was scared eating more would make me different, and then when I started eating more and became different, well, it's actually ok!

I couldn't see myself changing at all or changing my mind about anything at one point, but God, how wrong I was. So much can be put down to malnutrition after all. I'm a very different person to the person who started up these reports, I can tell you that much. When I started these I was BMI 14.4. Emaciated, nuts and I'd spent the previous couple of months living on chocolate ready brek, so I basically thought all food was brilliant and amazing!

Over the last however long it's been (well since the 7th December where I count my 'trying to get better' starting from) I've restored a modest amount of weight, and expanded the variety of my disastrous diet, as well as slowly ramping up the calories. With each increase and lb gained, my perspective has changed. Cognitively I'm doing far better, I'm semi functioning now, I'm less interested in food and fearful of it now I know it's coming. Over time I've started to feel a lot more reserved. Over the last year I felt I over communicated, however since January I've started to value my own privacy and have become very protective of my personal space. I have thoughts, but I'd rather keep them in my head than splurge them all over the Internet.

I can talk about food though. Yeah, ok, I'm less interested in it, but it doesn't mean I don't like making myself nice things to eat and that.

I've got a new phone, with a nice new camera. As a result much photo spam will ensue so be warned. I may be off Instagram, which was for my own good, but it doesn't mean I don't like taking pretty pictures of food! I have been completely snap happy, and the novelty hasn't worn off yet!

So yes. This week!

Fuck yes pasties!

On Wednesday I had my ECG. I'd already had lunch prepared for when I got in, but as I was walking to the appointment it was late in the morning and I realised I was ravenously hungry. I was vaguely thinking about buying a chocolate bar on the way home, but that felt scary and overwhelming.

I had initially planned on walking along the cycle track and swinging by Morrisons on the way home, as has always been my routine when I go to that particular surgery, being ever the creature of habit. However, as I mentioned, I was hungry, I was tired and grumpy, and that day it was raining, so I decided to get the bus again, after discovering the previous day that the number 8 stops right outside Morrisons. Seriously. I have lived in York seven years and I've only discovered that fact, despite the fact I even lived in the Badger Hill area of York and everything! Well anyway, I got the bus. I zoned out and missed my stop, so ended up getting off the bus in town anyway.

I walked past the pasty shop, and noticed they had the banana and Nutella ones in that landlord ex wanted to try, so I initially went in to get him one. The woman asked,

'Is there anything else?'

I paused and then went, 'you know what? Yes! I'll have a tomato and mozzarella one too!'

I wanted a pasty, and I honestly couldn't see the point in depriving myself. It's funny, because on the journey to town I was feeling angry at myself for the fact that in many ways I still feel like I'm somehow holding back, and I want to just go for it. Well, I like to believe that it was making some tentative steps towards that.

I kept it warm in the oven while I prepared a salad to go with it.

 

It may be slight sleep deprivation talking, but I think this photo looks oddly beautiful... I like the way the ridge looks.

Fun fact, apparently Cornish pasties were traditionally miners lunches. Basically a whole meal (meat and potatoes) encased in pastry which seems like a most excellent idea to me. The ridge was apparently the 'handle' which wasn't intended to be eaten as the miner's hands would be all grubby and whatnot from all the dirt from the mine. I think that's a real fact anyway and not something I just made up in my brain right now.

I think I actually liked this one better than the one the previous day which I felt was a little too salty. But yeah, I had it with a side salad and it was most excellent and certainly shall be reoccurring in my life!

Just in case anyone's curious, landlord ex said that the banana and Nutella one is 'everything he wanted it to be and many more will be occurring in future.' So there you go! Apparently there were lots of lumps of horrible banana in it, so I'll probably pass on it myself!

I do sort of struggle after I eat pasties with that feeling of being greasy, fat and disgusting, but I know that's anorexia talking rather than me actually being greasy, fat and disgusting.

Something different.

On Thursday I went into town to sort out the aforementioned new phone, as I'd come to the end of my contract. Landlord ex had to pick up some things in town too, so we decided to meet up for a coffee when we were both done with our respective town things.

We went to cafe concerto, as usual. Now I usually have cheesecake, but annoyingly they were all out. Boooo!

The Agnes of a few weeks/ months ago would have had a full scale meltdown, however, I'm better now with unplanned things. I've already extensively studied cafe concertos menu, and so I decided to go for SOMETHING DIFFERENT (I know, dun dun durrr!)

I liked the look of the raspberry, cinnamon and almond cake, so I went for that. Landlord ex chose the chocolate cake.

Behold, the first photo from my new phone!

 

I wasn't so sure about the fruit bit myself, but I liked the cake, which was nice and cinnamony, and the almond topping was ace. Landlord ex had whipped cream with his, and I had a 'fuck it, I want whipped cream too!' moment, and so I went for it!

But yeah, the cake was all good, and I may get it again!

 

I was messing about with my new phone camera, so here's my face, and some of the awesome wallpaper at cafe concerto! Also my new dress! Many new things happening that day!

Cooking and that.

Old favourites.

I've obviously done my usual cooking and that this week! I made my spinach and chickpea burgers on Friday. This time I did them without chilli and used tahini instead of peanut butter.

 

They were nice and everything, but I think I like them better with peanut butter, and I felt they could have been better. I can be rather self critical though, as I'm generally the first to admit. I feel I'm a far more healthy self critical now, rather than the inconsolable meltdown levels of self critical I was back in January.

Oh note the peas? Well I've mentioned I'm scared of peas. Since January I've started tentatively eating them again, although they've been very much rationed. Well, recently I've started to have them again, because peas are seriously my all time favourite vegetable and shouldn't be rationed. I do obviously weigh them out, but I have 30g which strikes me as a sensible portion without being overwhelmed by peas!

Baking!

I think I possibly mentioned I'd bought some bananas last week, specifically so they could be blackened up for banana bread purposes? Well on Saturday morning they were sufficiently black, and as I was up early, half asleep and my brain wasn't (and isn't) up to much that time in the morning, it seemed like the perfect time for some baking action to occur!

Landlord ex was also up early, and I may have possibly got all grumpy at him for being in my way! Haha! Aside from that the baking side went ok. I did decide to use my electric hand beaters and subsequently got the mix everywhere! Forks all the way in the future! Yes I totally switched to a fork for the creaming of the butter and sugar, but if there's a better way to cream butter and sugar than fork smooshery I'd like to hear it! Yes! Fork smooshery is totally the correct term!

I personally don't feel it rose too well, but may just be me being my usual fussy, finicky self! Landlord ex told me it looked fine, and to stop being so self critical!

 

 

 

I had a massive fuck off chunk for my afternoon snack.

 

Like, a seriously big piece, it was kind of like two pieces worth of cake, because I was all like, 'fuck yes, banana bread!' It was pretty damn nice, particularly the crust! I'd also very finely blended the banana too. I've had a few pieces since and it is a damn nice cake. All nice and moist and all the good things in a cake happening with it.

I think I outdid myself: presenting the best pizza I've ever made!

I'm actually rather proud of this one. I defrosted some pizza dough (that I made earlier this month) on Friday night for pizza night on Saturday. I ended up having chips instead, so I used it Sunday evening.

Landlord ex had some fresh leaf spinach, which I cooked up to top my pizza with. I also used ricotta, mozzarella and tomatoes. I rolled the dough from chilled, and hand stretched it to finish it off.

 

I baked it at 180 for 15 minutes. It was cooked through to perfection and probably my best damn pizza yet! I have the skillz (innit!) The spinach went all crispy, but then I kind of liked it, fresh spinach is so much more flavourful than frozen too!

Buttermilk pancakes.

I had some buttermilk and a beaten egg to use up on Monday morning, so I set about making some buttermilk pancakes. This time I'd done a load of research about how to make the perfect buttermilk pancake, including getting everything to room temperature, and leaving the batter to rest for 15 minutes in order to allow the baking powder to do its thing.

I have no idea if these things made any difference, but my pancakes were amazing light and fluffy, and of course I made an absolute mess of dishing them up and flipping them and all that!

 

They did puff up really good, and I suppose they had the whole rustic homemade thing going on!
 
 

I had one that morning, served up with Greek yoghurt, amaretti and blueberries, with a nice big blob of maple syrup, and they were ace!

Grey sludge: I HAD SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE HAD MADE!

Landlord ex got himself one of those nutribullet things in a bid to be all healthy and shit. I got slightly annoyed because he bought a load of fresh stuff and reshuffled things in the kitchen. Although I was annoyed everything had been moved about, I was just slightly peeved, rather than being completely unable to cope as I would have been not so long ago.

He was all umming and ahhing about when to use his thing, when he decided in the end to just go for it!

His first attempt at a smoothie turned into grey sludge, it was a concoction of banana, blueberries, strawberries, Greek yoghurt, honey and spinach. He tried a bit and claimed 'it kind of grows on you...' He asked me if I wanted to try a bit, and I said 'yes, go on then!' and poured myself a shot glass full before I had a chance to change my mind!

 

I honestly cannot remember the last time I ate or drank something someone else had made from scratch. It was funny, but like the pasty, the big deal was the fact it wasn't a big deal.

It was actually really nice too!

It would be grey sludge wouldn't it... haha!

Goji! The victories keep coming!

On Saturday night my friend, J, texted me telling me she was coming to York. I actually had all manner of anxieties around seeing J. Mainly that the last time I saw her I was very, very sick. It was back in September, where I consider myself being at my very worst, not physically, but mentally.

That day we did go to goji, the veggie/ vegan restaurant, which I didn't want to do in the first place. I felt the irony of being somewhere where I could eat everything on the menu, and yet nothing on the menu at the same time...

I was anxious about seeing her in a new context. It might sound silly, but with the fact that I am constantly changing (for the better I feel! Mostly!) I was worried that I wouldn't like her any more, or we wouldn't get on. It might sound strange, but it sort of comes with the whole waking up thing.

On that front I had nothing to worry about, as J is awesome as ever!

Well, anyway, she wanted to meet at midday, and so I initially planned on just leaving early so I could fit lunch in. I also planned on asking her if we could go somewhere different, as goji is somewhere I associate with being 'at my worst.'

It was shitty weather, and raining, and I had a 'you know what, screw it! Let's go to goji!' Moment. After all, it's easier for J being a vegan and all, and I can't just avoid all my triggers forever.

I initially planned on just having a coffee, and dashing off for lunch. However I stopped to think, and I was all like, 'why?' J was eating there, why shouldn't I eat lunch too? That's what any normal person would do!

I was supposed to be meeting J a few weeks ago (although she cancelled last minute so it didn't happen) and the prospect of lunch came up then, but at the time I freaked, read the menu, found a million and one excuses as to why I couldn't eat any of the things on it (despite the fact I obviously can eat everything on the menu. Usual excuses of 'I might not like it, waste of money, I could make that myself blah blah blah...' Landlord ex did say to me that the whole thing of being a foodie meant eating out and eating things other people had prepared and so on.

Well anyway, it was coming up to 12 and I was actually pretty hungry, and I went 'you know what, fuck it!' I decided, based on my previous studying of the menu, to order the vegan mushroom burger, with pesto, and no mayo, as it seemed like the least 'offensive' thing to me and something I would eat. The veggie version came with haloumi, which I'm not the biggest fan of. It was a garlic mushroom, and I was being all 'I don't like garlic.' However I'm better with the whole making excuses thing.

I did get a bit anxious and jittery as we were waiting, which I did my best to hide from J.

Well anyway, here is my meal.

 

It was a grilled portobello mushroom, with smoked tofu, various salady bits, and sweet potato wedges.

I didn't eat the weird little mushrooms that topped it, because they freaked me out, however I ate the rest of it, including the leaves! Yes! I ate leaves! I even liked the leaves (shock horror!)

Oh my days! I thought what was essentially a mushroom sandwich would be boring, but my God I was wrong. It was so so good! Probably the best burger I've had. I really liked the smoked tofu, and garlicky mushroom, and the ketchup, and just everything that whole meal had going on for it. The bread was pretty damn good too. I'm not normally a fan of wholemeal, but again I was pleasantly surprised. You could really taste the seeds!

I wasn't that keen on the sweet potato wedges. They were essentially just baked sweet potato, and I wasn't overly fond of the texture. However the Burger was incredible. Does it count as a burger when it's literally just a mushroom? I dunno. Burger, mushroom roll, whatever. It was awesome.

Oh God, I have wanted to eat at goji for so damn long, and finally! Finally! I have! And I ordered what I wanted. Not too much choice anxiety. And the burger was awesome and will most certainly reoccur in my life!

Miscellaneous mentions.

And now we come to all the other stuff. Stuff not notable in its being challenging, but just that stood out for one reason or another.

Epic pancakes (with blueberry skyr)

On one of my random Waitrose trips, I picked up some blueberry skyr, and I ended up having it on one of my banana pancakes. I also used chocolate raisins, a broken up 'binge biscuit' and crushed amaretti.

 

Now I'm not a huge fan of most of the foods I ate when I was severely restricting (despite me swearing blind they were the BEST THING EVER when I was severely restricting.) However, I like danios still, as I've mentioned. I also really liked the skyr! It didn't taste like a boring health food at all, but tasted incredible (plus as an added bonus it has lots of proteiny goodness going on!)

These are the 'Icelandic skyr' they sell at Waitrose, and in my opinion they are most excellent. I haven't tried the Arla skyr, but I've heard they're not too great.

I did go off yoghurt for a bit when I started eating more, associating it with restriction, but now the weathers warmer I'm liking yoghurt a lot. Fatty fat obviously. You only eat diet if you hate life, because low fat yoghurt is seriously the most pointless thing in existence.

Who makes the best shortcrust? Aggy makes the best shortcrust!

I had another slice of Sunday's quiche for lunch on Thursday as it needed eating.

 

That pastry was incredible. All buttery and crumbly and just good and perfect in every way. I have always had poor circulation (even at healthy weights) and as a result my hands are permanently cold, which makes them ideal for pastry making!

But yeah, my quiche was just damn good!

New night snack biscuits: all butter rhubarb and orange shortbread rounds.

This was from last week but I forgot to mention it!

Now M&S have launched their new 'spirit of summer' range. I've already tried the orange and cashew butter cookies, which were new from that range, however I noticed that they had some new shortbread rounds too which I was dying to try.

I didn't think much of the previous cookies, and I kind of hoped that M&S had done better this time round.

 

I was kind of unsure about these too if I'm honest. The texture was kind of uninteresting, and tasted like they'd gone slightly stale, and the flavour was overwhelmingly strong. They kind of grew on me, but I'd probably not get them again.

I've also noticed that the coffee and walnut shortbread rounds have gone, which makes me sad as I really liked them. I hope the other offerings from the 'spirit of summer' range are better than the couple of things I've had.

Strawberry fruit tart.

Another new thing was a strawberry fruit tart I bought from Morrisons on Friday. I wanted one of their fruit tarts but they were all out, so this was a hasty alternative!

 

One thing I can say for it, it makes a good photo! Or maybe it's my new phone camera.

 

The strawberries were a bit meh, but I really liked the custardy stuff. I've already mentioned before that I'm super fussy about strawberries, as I only really eat them when they're in season and my grandfolks grow them and everything.

When I was in Morrisons I was tempted by the profiterole sundae thing they had in the cream cake bit, as it totally looked like my kind of thing. Sadly I wussed out, as it was a new thing, I might not like it, blah blah blah, same old tired excuses... I have added it to the list of things I totally need to challenge though.

Magical make better omelettes!

On Friday I was feeling crappy all day, so I decided to knock up an omelette, as their magical make better powers seem to do the trick.

I did a spinach and ricotta, as I had a load of ricotta that needed using up. I managed to flip the omelette to perfection (although as usual I totally ballsed up the serving up.)

 

I think it's probably my favourite omelette (although spinach and ricotta anything is seriously good shit!)

I also mentioned I felt like absolute crap all day, but after the omelette I felt so much better. Omelettes still have their amazing make better powers!

Jam carnage!

I woke up way too early on Saturday morning and had absolutely no idea what I wanted for breakfast. I had a bagel to use up, and I was kind of craving something sweet, so I ended up knocking up a sweet toastie as it had been a while since I'd had one!

I used the last of the apricot jam as it needed finishing, and piled in some chocolate raisins, cherries and a binge biscuit.

 

I used too much jam though, and the result was delicious, delicious jam carnage. This photo is kind of the calm before the storm! As an added bonus the jam seeped out and welded it to the plate, meaning I had to use a knife and fork and everything. Still, it was a glorious, delicious mess!

Waitrose cheesecake

I ended up going to Waitrose because I kind of fancied a walk (and their delicious flapjack cookies!) I bought some cheesecake again and I have nothing else to add except it is awesome!

 

I made a meal as per of dishing it up, so that's it's good side, but yeah. It was pretty damn good. Also no issues around eating it either! I may have conquered cheesecake now! Huzzah!

Various food issues.

On Friday I already mentioned I was having a bad day, moodwise. I ended up getting unnecessarily triggered by some life shit, and I hadn't slept that well either. Well anyway, I ended up eating a few cracker crisps on top of my afternoon snack, and I really struggled with it and found myself vowing to restrict. The urges to restrict, though less of an issue, are still very much there in general. Even now typing this I feel kind of angry at myself for being such a pig. I know it was a handful of crackers, which I'd weighed and everything, and not a binge, but I still struggle with stuff like that. I seriously had major guilt about the crisps, and had to ask landlord ex if it was ok.

The thing is I was upset, and I always struggle eating when I'm upset, or anxious, or tired, or stressed because it feels like a binge, even though a handful of crisps is hardly a binge, in fact a handful of crisps isn't a binge, and most people would just eat that mindlessly without thinking.

I also got similarly stressed about eating an extra apple on Saturday, despite the fact it's, you know, an apple... I've always struggled more with volume eating and eating a lot of things more than I have with eating higher kcal things if there's only one of them... I eat loads of vegetables with my meals, but I feel greedy about doing so because there are a load of them, strange as that may sound!

Of course I'm still counting absolutely everything, to the point of it being stupid in the case of some things (herbs/ spices/ tea/ coffee/ cucumbers etc.)

 

Gallows humour on point! I've probably mentioned that I have a new phone already haven't I? Once? Twice? A few times? Well, I reinstalled all my apps and tried to sort them into folders. My phone suggested that I file these too under 'health.' Didn't feel quite accurate, so I fixed it!

I've accepted that I will have to count calories for far longer than I want to or I'm comfortable with. I vowed that would be the last thing to go, purely because it's my oldest behaviour, and the thing that landed me in this mess in the first place.

Then there's the fact I won't 'let go.' It's been so long since my BMI has been in the healthy range I'm actually kind of scared of it happening...

I suppose in general I'm still struggling with the fact my body's changing. I mean, I have gained weight. I'm more or less the weight I was this time last year, except then I was going down, this time it's going up. There's part of me that gets angry because I feel like I should be 'done' and should just switch to maintenance now. However I know that's kind of pointless at the same time, because I was a 'functioning anorexic' for ages, and that really sucked. I feel fleshier which I don't like. I don't actually like the colour of my skin now, which might sound weird, but I never used to like my skin. It's all horrible, patchy and oily and always has been. I kind of liked how smoking and starvation dried it out, and the paleness kind of got rid of the blotchiness, as my skin was all one colour. I don't have body dysmorphia, but at the same time I do have a few weird issues with my body, and I've probably mentioned that if I could have an anorexic body without the head crap that goes with it, hell I would take it. I've already mentioned the problem with that though, the head crazy. It's really not worth it, of its having the body I want vs having the life I want... well, no brained really (although it took me way to long to come to that conclusion!

The point where we can revisit past Agnes' first ever goals and think 'aw bless!'

Well, as it's the twentieth one of these, I thought I'd go back to report number one, so see how I've changed and that.

1. Continue to follow structure and work towards increasing my calories.

I feel I've been pretty consistent with this. When I began I was very strictly eating only 1500, usually just under. On New Year's Eve I allowed myself 1700, which was scary. These days I'm actually averaging around 2000 a day, which I know isn't enough, but at the same time is miles better than what I existed on before. At one point even eating 1500 was terrifying and unthinkable, so I feel I've done pretty well!

2. Try and challenge more 'likes', 'dislikes' which ones are ED driven, which ones are genuine and so on.

Ah, so many things I can't even begin to count them! Quiche has been the most recent! I've eaten many new things, as well as things I haven't eaten in years. I genuinely don't like bananas, but banana bread and pancakes are nice. I'm eating yoghurt again. Fage 0% sucks balls, but danios are kind of nice and skyr is awesome! Some things I only like when I'm restricting, but there are other things I do genuinely like.

I discovered I do genuinely like sweet potatoes, despite claiming that I hated them! Well, I like my sweet potato chips anyway, the baked wedges I had on Sunday were meh, but still, I ate them, which I would have refused to do at one point. My 'binge biscuits' are nice in non binge form, as is PB and J.

I also discovered that I'm not a huge fan of quorn, and again I loved it when I was restricting. I only really like quorn cottage pies/ lasagnes and facon of course.

When I started these up I had a really sweet tooth, and didn't eat many savoury things, claiming they were 'boring' and 'pointless' but I've challenged myself on that. It turns out I don't have a sweet tooth at all, preferring savoury stuff, and I only really seem to like sweet things when I'm restricting.

 

On Saturday I had mushroom stroganoff, something I had no idea if I even liked, and I wouldn't have dreamed of making it not so long ago as I was convinced I probably wouldn't like it. However, it turns out my mushroom stroganoff is one of my favourite foods and one of many things I can comfortably eat now, which never stops being a good feeling! Oh yeah, I also really like English mustard too!

3. Buy cheese topped rolls! This is a really big deal for me. Pre ED they were always a favourite, but they were something my eating disorder ruined for me completely. Before I got really ill, I would buy a packet of them and eat four for lunch or over the course of an afternoon without a second thought. I suppose I've always had a slightly odd relationship with them, as they were also a binge food when I was a teenager... however later they just became one of my favourite foods in my late teens when I was a bit more 'normal' and as I said, the entire packet was once a fairly standard lunch! As my ED developed, they became a go to binge food, something I would frequently binge on in the middle of a supermarket or in the car park, and now I'm just too scared to buy them. I've been eyeing them up a lot lately, and I would love to just go for it and buy them without the constant head noise.

Haha! That was a very early victory and probably my first 'breakthrough', when I worked out that I could easily work my favourite rolls into my routine. I've actually bought them a few more times since. I've had them for breakfast, and lunch on many occasions, and they are ace!

4. My goal for my birthday in February is to eat macaroni cheese and peas for tea (it's one of my favourite foods and I haven't eaten it in five years because calories, well except if I was bingeing on the tins) so work towards making it happen.

Ok, so it wasn't tea. There were also no peas involved, but I actually bloody did it! Not only that, it's now a regular occurrence in my life. The first time it happened I remember it being a huge deal, and being anxious and having to match landlord ex's pace and everything, but as times gone on it's got easier. In fact last time I was in city screen I remarked that it wasn't really a big meal at all. Perspective and everything.

I've got to the stage now where I can quite comfortably eat food when I'm out now, and it's something I look forward to.

I still need to be brave enough to make my own, but hell, if I managed quiche, and pastry, it shouldn't be beyond me now!

5. To work on the whole weird relationship I have with carbs.

Hmmm... past Agnes, perhaps you and I are not so different after all! Mind you I have done a lot of work on that.

Over the last few weeks I have done a lot of work with the whole carb thing. At the beginning, the only carbs I could really do were bready things (sometimes), crackers (sometimes) and tortellini. All other carbs were scary. I hadn't eaten a potato in nearly five years, now I eat them nearly every day. I've made my own pittas, and pastry, and pizza. I'm still not good at plain pasta, rice and couscous yet, and I can still be weird about bread.

I don't really eat many wholegrain things, mainly because I don't like them (although I admit I haven't really pushed or challenged myself with that...) and I tend to use plain white flour for everything because it's cheaper, which is probably another area that needs work. Nothing wrong with basics plain white flour, but at the same time I know I'm not using other flours because I'm kind of scared of them. I know I need to try challenging myself a bit more in the coming weeks and months. They're not evil, but the main energy group after all.

Last week's goals and how I've done.

1. Keep on doing what I'm doing, because clearly it is working for me (fuck the haterz! I am right, they are wrong, I get to feel super smug.)

Damn right! Fuck the haterz! Haha!

Well, I had another one of those pasties the very next day purely because I wanted one. Because of the structure I've spent the last few months consolidating, it fit nicely into my routine. I no longer compensate for bigger meals and snacks. I just have the next one as usual. I have a memory of going to see my friend S back in December, and because I had a coffee and biscuit, I had a single boiled egg for tea to 'compensate' for those extra calories...

I know! Now I think back to that time and I'm all 'what the fuck past Agnes???' It feels like such a long time ago now, yet in reality it really wasn't long ago at all!

2. Tackle a few more likes, dislikes, fears etc.

Note scary pasty. I had pasties two days in a row! I don't know if I've particularly challenged any likes and dislikes. I did drink the grey sludge, despite the fact I hate honey and it had honey in it. However I couldn't even taste it. I had lunch out with J, despite my fears I wouldn't like things. I ate things there I didn't think I liked but were actually pretty darn good.

3. Cook from scratch and one new thing when possible a week.

I've obviously cooked from scratch. I've baked too! I've also done pancakes! So yey me! I haven't made anything new this week, but there's always next week.

4. Try and get more carb sources, rather than just relying on potatoes because they're safe.

I think I've had chips every day this week, again! I tend to just have chips because I do really like chips. However I'm well aware I go for chips as they're a 'safe option now. But yeah, my carbs this week have been pastry, potatoes, bread and tortellini. It's been years since I've eaten white rice, because I'm scared of it, I still can't do plain pasta, I'm still weird about bread. I haven't really eaten couscous in an age because I'm scared of it, and I've only managed it a couple of times this year. I know I need to push myself more.

5. Relax a bit more about food and intake and eating things outside meals, also eating bigger meals.

I had another pasty as a 'bigger meal', as for the eating outside meals thing, it's still an issue for me. I only really do the structured snacks, nothing outside those. I've had the odd apple/ biscuit, and I've made morning snack bigger, eating 200kcal instead of 100kcal, but I find it really hard...

Despite the setbacks, I actually feel I've had a really good week. I note goji, and the pasty as definite marks of progress, and more of that needs to occur. I remember a few months ago feeling really frustrated about not being able to eat what I liked when I was out, while similarly feeling it was pointless... well now I still feel like I'm very sick, and have a long way to go, but I actually feel incredibly proud of how far I've come.

Various reflections.

I've noticed with each BMI point and lb gained, my perspective has changed. I'm far more flexible about food and life in general than I was right at the start of these reports. I no longer have total meltdowns over things not being 'perfect', I have the odd moment, but that's generally when I'm tired, or hungry. I've got to the stage where I just like food, I'm not obsessed with it anymore, and again I put that as being a higher BMI.

When I made my lunch the other day it struck me that I can eat stuff like this now.

 

Tortellini with aaaall the vegetables. It's the four cheese one. It's funny but when I was really sick this is kind of stuff I fantasised about. I dreamed of eating vegetables, and fresh things. I know, stereotypically I should be fantasising about eating cake and chocolate and shit, but that's the thing, when I was sick I comfortably ate stuff like that, but faced with a plate of vegetables and I would have a full scale meltdown. Everyone's different and all that...

No zoomed in close ups to pretend I'm eating more than I am either (yes I totally did that, and yes I'm sure you all knew it!) I eat a huge plate of pasta with vegetables now!

I've actually been eating tortellini a lot less lately, so maybe I'm losing interest in it? Probably long overdue. I haven't had porridge in absolutely ages, but I suspect I reached the limits of what you can do with porridge... my porridges of earlier this year were verging on the completely ridiculous.

I'm going to repeat what I said in last report because it's true. I really have no idea how I even existed before. It's funny because at the time I didn't even see what I was doing as restricting or depriving myself, it was more than eating more just felt 'pointless' and 'stupid.'

I do have a lot of issues around food that I'm increasingly aware come from my upbringing that I'm currently trying to tackle. You know stupid throwaway comments adults make that you deeply internalise when you're a young impressionable kid? Well yeah... there are a tonne. I have been negatively affected by the diet culture. I was also given a book on mindful eating as a teenager by my mum when I was going through the whole teenage puppy fat phase, and I had no idea how much that book actually fucked me up until recently. I don't think my mum has any idea either. Just to clarify, I don't blame my parents at all for the fact I'm fucked up, after all, I'm an adult and I make my own choices, and at the end of the day my parents ultimately want the best for me. I'm sure they didn't want me to starve myself to death, well I'm certain they didn't, and thanks to anorexia up until now I've never had much of a relationship with them. Still, it's not too late. It's never too late.

I've always been a person of extremes, so low carb means no carb, low fat means no fat, quite literally in both cases! I'm working in general on the whole thing of things not being black and white, and being able to cope with the shades of grey.

To work on.

1. Try and get my head around eating more outside meals.

2. Try and incorporate a few new carb sources over the next few weeks.

3. Work on a few 'likes', 'dislikes' and fears.

4. Eat much pastry and keep it being a non scary thing. The same applies to all the scary things like eggs and cheese.

5. Following on from that. I need to buy a pasty next week, to stop them becoming something I do once, pat myself on the back for, and never repeat again!

6. Obviously cook from scratch and when I can make one new thing a week.

7. Do something new and carb related.

8. Try and 'go for it' a bit more. After all, I do have permission to eat. I'm the only one stopping myself at this stage.

All in all, I'm actually kind of proud of myself and what I've achieved over the last five months. I'm actually feeling all levels of smug. I couldn't have done it all without landlord ex, my OT and dietician, but most of the hard work has come from me. I did it. I cook the food. I eat the food. I took back control (why does that always make me want to go 'we got are cuntree bakc!!!!!1!' Haha!)

And yes, I'm proud.

Monday, 22 May 2017

Alpha and omega.

I guess I've never liked using the term 'recovery', partly because it's too binary, but partly because I don't like to be cocky. Over the last seven years I've had so many occasions of declaring myself recovered or getting complacent, and thinking I'm doing ok with food, and then the last two years happened, and I realised I'm not as ok as I want to be. In fact a lot of the time my relationship with food was really not ok at all.

I was still actively counting calories, despite trying to convince everyone, and myself I wasn't. I was losing weight consistently yet slowly enough to claim it wasn't a problem.

I guess it was a massive case of LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS SLIGHTLY! I didn't want to spectacularly fuck things up and make a fool of myself, and have to eat my words for the umpteenth time.

I suppose it was that realisation that recovery might not even be possible, and anorexia was more a lifelong condition I would have to manage. I've heard quite a few people 'in recovery' of who have 'recovered' say that. No matter how far away the bad times and the bad days are, constant vigilance is essential.

I suppose that's how I feel now too about everything. I felt I had to do things properly this time round and do it 'right.' No half measures.

My doctor is retiring in September. I actually felt kind of sad when I heard the news, as we've had nearly six years together now, and he's been my one constant. Yeah, I'm aware that having my doctor as my one constant and seeing your GP as regularly as I've seen mine is abnormal.

I'm moving soon, my dietician is going on maternity leave, and with my GP gone, that's a whole load of endings happening in my life. It was funny though, because I would have been devastated he was going not so long ago, and I would have probably spiralled into a complete self destructive meltdown. However, I was pretty reflective about the whole thing this time round, and responded with more of a feeling of acceptance with the sadness.

My last appointment actually went well. I was chatting and smiling. I managed to let him weigh me, despite pulling a face when he asked me to step on the scales. My BMI is now 16.1. I'd weighed that morning, so I already knew, but I actually felt ok about it this time round.

He asked about relationships and all that, and I told him there were none and I intended to keep it that way for the foreseeable, we had a brief discussion about it always being my biggest trigger. He said he was kind of glad I wasn't seeing anyone right now,

'It's not like I think you're destined for a life of singledom, but at the same time your relationships do seem to be, well, rather dramatic!'

'I think I have a tendency to go for the wrong people... anyway I'm not seeing anyone right now, and I wouldn't say I'm exactly an attractive prospect right now...'

'Oh, I wouldn't say that at all!'

Ah, I'm going to miss our borderline weird relationship!

But yeah, I am feeling kind of sad, but at the same time I've got better at coping with change than I used to be. Nothing is forever, and he had to retire at some point after all... I guess finding a new and awesome doctor is a problem future Agnes will have to worry about, plus I'm hoping that in future I won't need so much medical attention.

I've been incredibly lucky with my GP and it very much feels like the end of an era.

In other news, I managed to finally meet up with my friend J. The last time I saw her was back when I was very sick in September, and it was strange seeing her now my head was a little clearer. I was slightly anxious about seeing her, as I've always been very ill throughout our whole relationship and I was doing my panicky, 'what if new me with shiny new improved brain and cognitive functioning doesn't like her anymore! What if she doesn't like my shiny new improved brain and cognitive functioning???'

However, it turns out I had nothing to worry about. I actually really like J. We got on better than last time, well to be honest that's understatement of the century, as last time I was more fixated on whether I should eat a piece of garlic bread when I got home than anything else going on. I was just itching to get away, and I remember being incredibly snappy and irritable with her.

But yeah, I had a really nice time. I was able to concentrate on the conversation and everything.

Oh, oh, oh! I did it too! Finally finally managed to eat at goji!

 

Behold a vegan mushroom burger! It was a grilled mushroom and smoked tofu in a bun, so not really a burger, but yeah. It was delicious.

Anyway, I shall end with some crap from my phone,

 

Waiting for landlord ex for one of our cheesecake dates, I liked the light so took a snap!

 

I was outside York Minster, and loads of tourists were taking pictures and it seemed rude not to join in!

 

And another.

 

Inside cafe concerto, home of my beloved cheesecake.

 

Random outfit photo of my eBay dress I bought using my PayPal balance! I've sold a lot of things!

 

Waiting for an ECG, clearly looking forward to taking my top off and having wires stuck to me!

Oh yes, speaking of which. I've finally replaced my piece of crap iPhone 5c with a better model. I now have 32GB of storage (as opposed to 8, which was infuriating and depressing, and meant I had to really ration myself with the taking of photos, or just use daisy, which I generally opted to do.) I was really anxious about going and sorting my phone, but the guy in the shop was lovely. He also thought I was cool because of my fallout new Vegas case and wallpaper. Yey for someone thinking I'm cool! Haha!

 

I took this screenshot! (Aforementioned wallpaper.)

 

My phone case. Cooler than yours (probably!) I have ordered a new one for my new phone obviously.

My first photo, incidentally is of a piece of cake I ate after I'd sorted my phone.

 

Cakey slice!

So yeah, that's me I suppose!

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Eats report: volume 19

Escaping custard, cheesy peas, banana pancakes and perfecting pastry.

 

Apologies for the lateness of this report. It's mostly late because I couldn't be arsed to finish it on time.

I'm sort of in two minds about that. I know it's my blog and I can be as crap as I like, so that side of things doesn't worry me too much, but at the same time, disciplining myself to do things is kind of good for me, because I am generally terrible at any kind of commitment. I primarily blog for my own benefit, as it does help me most of the time when I do it, and sometimes it's good to go back, reflect and take stock and all that.

I suppose I've started to feel like these are kind of boring, not for other people, but kind of for me. Half the time I feel I have very little to write about, and writing about food for me these days feels as mundane as writing a post about breathing.

To be honest I was kind of expecting this to happen. I have been through weight restoration before a few times, and I know that once I pass a certain point (in terms of BMI/ intake/ variety) I'm far less interested in food and weight. The BMI threshold it happens to me at is far lower than it once was, but it's come with age and continued abuse of my body.

My dietician said that most 'normal' people are habitual eaters, and over the last four or five months I've fallen into that category myself. I tend to eat the same sort of things at the same sort of times and roughly the same amounts, and so it feels kind of pointless to mention what I eat half the time. I've slowly increased the amounts and what I eat now is steadily approaching, well, 'normal.' I know my relationship with food is far from normal, but at the same time it's far healthier than it once was.

I feel that right now, I just like food. I'm no longer weird and obsessive in the way I used to, and slowly seem to be relaxing a bit.

Anyway, this week hasn't been all boring, and there have been many good food things happening in my life!

Letting go.

At my last appointment with the dietician, she told me I needed to stop holding on to anorexia and that I needed to 'let go.'

I had a moment on Tuesday lunchtime, where I was walking past the pasty shop on Kings Square, you know? The one I've mentioned many times. I came close to going for it and just buying my favourite cheese and mushroom pasty. They were in the window and everything, and looked so good, but I got scared and couldn't do it. There were also sweet pasties, and I thought about getting one for my afternoon snack, but again I couldn't.

I suppose I do still feel that if I gave myself permission and let go and ate what I liked, I would never stop eating.

I spent a long time that afternoon feeling angry at myself for the fact I was deliberately holding back, and I knew it...

I ate an extra biscuit on that afternoon and really struggled with it, feeling like it was unneeded, as I was eating my tea soon. Me getting hung up on a single biscuit is a vast improvement on before, where that type of thing was once impossible and unthinkable. I've been eating 'extras' a little, but not in any meaningful way, just the odd biscuit here and there, and I have and do struggle with that type of thing.

I don't feel I'm particularly holding on to anorexia or my eating disorder right now, but at the same time being a normal weight does scare me, being conventionally 'attractive' again also scares me. I've said I don't have body dysmorphia and I don't, but the thing I do like about anorexia is the fact that it does make me unattractive, and it comes with that false sense of 'safety.' If I'm unattractive people like horrible ex, and soldier ex, and weird creepy men in general will leave me alone. However, I'm slowly accepting that it's not true, and I get these undesirable people to leave me alone by working on myself, keeping my own boundaries and so on.

I do also have that fear of people just assuming I'm better and 'over it' once I start to restore some weight. Again with that one I remind myself that it doesn't matter what other people think about me, the important thing is what I think about me. People aren't always great at understanding things outside their own personal experience anyway, they won't always 'get it.' Besides, I've got to the point where I'm sick of being the 'anorexic girl.' I'm still very much fearful of not being sick too, and I've yet to work out what that ones about.

But basically, communication is essential in these cases, and I keep telling myself that I communicate through my words, not through my body.

Corbyn day (featuring smug points!)

On Wednesday Jeremy Corbyn came to York, and I wasn't going to pass up seeing him. I was anxious about crowds, and having to stand for a long period of time, and running into people I knew and basically a whole host of anxieties were going on. However I was adamant I wanted to go.

He originally was going to come to York at one, so I planned on having soup as a quick easy lunch.

Now this is the soup I made when my son came to visit. At the time I wasn't that happy with it. It was my pea and mint soup but I accidentally added too much water. I tried to thicken it with cornflour and Greek yoghurt at the time, to no avail. My son liked it, but I found it bland and uninteresting at the time, and beat myself up about it.

Anyway, Corbyn's visit was later, which meant I would have had time for proper lunch, but I had that damn soup, so I heated up one of my homemade pittas (which I had with butter and marmite obviously) and chopped up some tomatoes and cucumber.

 

The soup was actually ok, although the Greek yoghurt did give it an odd almost lemony taste... I probably wouldn't add it again, but I was way too harsh on the soup itself, and yeah. It was good.

Corbyn came at 3:45 which meant my afternoon snack of a fruit tart fitted in nicely, and I set off after that.

I was feeling gross and bloated all day, and worried people were staring at me because I was so big, but I was kind of able to rationalise that stuff better than I once could. I coped with the crowd, and standing for a long period of time and all that stuff.

When I got back I had some of my pizza dough from Saturday left over, so I knocked up a spinach and ricotta pizza.

 

My phone's being orange again! Have no clue why it does that...

Annoyingly the dough was a little old, and tasted it (rather dry and floury), but the pizza was still pretty good. I also managed to fit my routine around doing a thing, so yey me!

The sweet pasty!

On Friday, landlord ex came home sheepishly at lunch time and said, 'erm... you know you mentioned the pasty shop the other day?'

'...yes?'

'Well you talking about pasties made me really want a pasty and so I may have possibly bought you one...'

He'd picked up a chicken and chorizo pasty for his lunch, and had got us a sweet one each (strawberry, peach and custard.)

He then anxiously told me I was under no pressure to eat it. He said he was more than happy to eat them both himself if needs must. However, there has been way too much of that over the last couple of years. I like pasties, and I wanted to eat it.

I'd already picked up something for afternoon snack, and in the past I probably would have saved it, or chucked it, or had a major stress over it, but in the end I wanted it when it was good, so I decided I was going to have pudding after lunch, and the pasty was going to be it!

 

So yeah, I actually had a pudding, that I chose to have myself! I did that!

I felt the filling was somewhat uninspiring, but the pastry was excellent. I did wonder where the custard was supposed to be. There was strawberry, and peach, but the custard seemed non existent... I solved the mystery later that day when landlord ex informed me that all the custard was at the bottom of his bag, and it had also escaped from his too!

Apparently there were banana and Nutella ones, that he said he was very tempted by, but he didn't want to get one just in case he'd got them muddled up, because he thought it wouldn't be a nice return to pasties for me! Haha!

But yeah, first pasty I've had in nearly a year, and the first I've had without compensation, and man it was worth it!

Quiche III: revenge of the quiche.

On Sunday I had my feminist network meeting. For lunch we went for our usual cheese doseage. It wasn't the best macaroni cheese, but perfectly pleasant nonetheless.

I had a beaten egg left over from continental Sunday, and I tend to have omelettes, but I was a little bored that afternoon, and kind of fancied making some shortcrust pastry, and so I ended up knocking up a quiche.

This time I made a pea, mint and mozzarella quiche.

I blind baked the pastry at 180 for 20 minutes this time round (15 minutes with beans, 5 without), feeling like it was a little overdone last time. I also bothered to trim the edges properly.

 

Ta da!

 

Yeah, not quite as pretty as the last I admit!

 

I didn't think it seemed like enough filling when I cut into it...

 

Verdict? Probably too many peas and a little mozzarella heavy, and could have done with more egg. I'd probably use two eggs next time, as I only used the one, but the pastry was PERFECT. Like seriously good! I'd cooked it just right, and it was all crumbly, buttery and incredibly delicious and I have the skillz yo! Also no soggy bottom, so yey me!

New thing 2: Banana pancakes.

Ever since I made banana bread, I've kind of been thinking about new banana things I can try. Since I'm going through a pancake phase of late it seemed like the next logical step. I used Jack's recipe for banana pancakes, with an added spoonful of lotus spread and a teaspoon of cinnamon for extra tasty goodness.

Took me a while to get into the swing of things, but it was first thing!
 
 

Funny shapes!

 

I had one that morning, served with vanilla skyr, cherries, amaretti, chocolate raisins and blueberry syrup!

Sadly it wasn't the most asthetically pleasing picture!

 

Behold the mess!

I actually really liked the skyr, kind of tasted a little like ice cream, and yeah, it was pretty damn good! I may hate bananas, but I do like bananas in bread and pancake form, so our relationship may be thawing slightly! I've actually had one for breakfast this morning, this time with my ultimate favourite Yeo valley yoghurt (lemon curd) and I have nothing more to add other than it was pretty damn good!

Miscellaneous mentions.

And now for the random uncategorised odds and ends side of the report.

Battered yet beautiful choux buns.

I went into sainsburys the other day with my heart set on fruit tarts, but I got sidetracked by the choux buns, that looked perfect and I got them instead. Sadly I had bought the worst possible bag with me, and I was being far too much of a cheapskate to fork out the 5p for a carrier bag, so I ended up bunging them in my bag with all my other shopping (and it wasn't a small shop either) and they ended up getting battered beyond recognition. They even ended up being upside down at one point.

Still, I had one for my afternoon snack, and it was probably the best damn choux bun I've ever eaten.

The same thing happened with a fruit tart the next day. It disintegrated when I took it out the wrapper. However, where it failed in presentation, it made up for in taste, so I wasn't overly fussed!

Incidentally I have complained about the choux buns being a bit lacklustre of late, like they've been nice and all, but they haven't had the same epic incredibleness of the early ones. Well anyway, I am happy to announce that Sainsburys are back on form. I've actually had them a few times this week, and they've just been good!

Cheesecake

Cheesecake happened this week. The lady at cafe concerto made a joke about how I always order cheesecake, and asked if I was having my usual! Haha! I kind of like that! I'm a regular now!

I didn't bother to take a photo, but I did take one of the walls, which are wallpapered with sheet music.

 

But yeah, cheesecake is good, it was an enjoyable and incident free trip out, and I'm glad it happens in my life!

Super salty quiche.

I froze half my quiche, but I still had a bit that needed eating, so I ended up having it on Thursday.


I really enjoyed it, and was being far less critical this time!

Reclaiming graze

Another 'at my worst' thing. I only seem to order graze boxes when I'm not doing well with things, as it never occurs to me to order them when life is good. However, I get emails from them to my inbox, and they had a really good offer on the multi packs, so I ended up buying some.

I sprinkled some on my pancakes the other day.

 

I thought it was ok, although not the best graze thing. I'm still a little scared of them, but I'm slowly working on it.

Egg ring!

I bought an egg ring when I was in barnitts (clearly my second home, haha!) and I used it finally on Saturday morning.

I did forget to grease it unfortunately, and so I did have to prize the egg out! I did enjoy my perfectly round, well done egg. I had it in the last cheese topped roll, which I'd defrosted. I mentioned they were a little underdone, but ten minutes in the oven fixed it up fine, and with facon, portobello shrooms and barbecue sauce, it is still my all time favourite breakfast!

 
 
Weigh day.

On Monday I weighed myself, as I knew I had a doctors appointment coming up, and I was going to be weighed anyway so it was best if I knew what to expect and stop being a massive wuss about it.

I weighed and my BMI is now 16, and you know what? I'm actually ok about it.

I spent the day after I weighed feeling all reflective and contemplative and shit.

I sat down and worked it out, and I've been gaining at a rate of 200g a week. In the grand scheme of things, that's not actually a lot. I have noticed changes in me over the last couple of weeks, and this new BMI explains why. I have far more energy and in general feel far more relaxed. I'm less food focused and feel far stronger.

I did say that once I hit BMI 16 I would reassess and reevaluate, however, that seems to just be happening naturally for me. I've been thinking a lot more positively about where I want to go and what I want to do with my life, and it's all good.

The victories keep on coming.

And to end, I DID IT!!!! Post Doctors appointment I went into town and I bought the fucking pasty. You know, my favourite? The one I've banged on about for, like, forever?

It was premeditated, as after last week's wussiness, I had my heart set on it. It was pissing it down, and normally I would have legged it home, but I was sleep deprived and I had my heart set on it, so I ended up getting the bus to town. I can honestly count the number of times I've caught a bus in York on one hand, probably because York is tiny, and it kind of seems a bit pointless, so I tend to walk everywhere. Still, I actually really like buses. I sat at the back and ate my huge massive fuck off apple (morning snack) noisely. It was a damn good apple!

This pasties are a strange one for me, because at one point they were actually the only thing I could eat (I've had the strangest 'safe foods' I swear!) and there were so many stupid rules around them. I couldn't eat anything for the next 24 hours and so on. I've wanted to buy one again for so long, but it had to be without compensation, and I was too scared...

However, I had my heart set on it. I had the female equivalent of Grampa Simpson in front of me in the queue, but it wasn't making me edgy this time. I wanted to get landlord ex a sweet pasty, but annoyingly there were none in. I did get him his favourite sainsburys tart on the way home to make up for it.

I had it for lunch, with various vegetables and salad.

 

Unfortuntely the mushrooms I'd bought to accompany it weren't that great. I'm not entirely sure what was up with them, but they kind of tasted a little weird and gritty... I may have not cleaned them properly or they may have been a little old? I'm not entirely sure, but they were kind of disappointing, which was annoying. I did spend too long being annoyed at the shit mushrooms.

However, I really enjoyed the pasty. I felt it was a little salty, and I don't remember them being that salty when I've had them before, and I probably didn't enjoy it as much as I normally would have done because I was absolutely knackered, but it was still good.

I have been thinking a lot about that delicious, delicious pasty though, and I think it'll occur again sooner rather than later.

It's funny though. I did it, and in the end, it wasn't a big deal. Landlord ex even remarked how casually I informed him I'd bought a pasty, because it really didn't feel like a big deal to me.

Incidentally, I did a lot of walking that day, and I ended up eating something extra. I had a fudge bar when I got in (M&S Madagascar vanilla fudge, my favourite!)

 

I didn't actually get any guilt over it, or compensate. I just enjoyed it, which is how things should be.

Various issues, thoughts and reflections.

I've never really seen anorexia as something you 'get better' from, but more a lifelong condition that needs to be managed.

Food is a funny one for me these days. Right now I am still very much feeling like I do eat enough to not have a massive problem, and I don't really freak out over things in the way I once did, yet I'm far too rigid and restrictive to be considered anything close to normal. I'm at the stage where I won't deliberately slash calories for the sake of slashing calories, but at the same time I still count all my calories. I've only very recently stopped measuring out my Pepsi max, having approximately a pint instead of an exact pint, which kind of makes me realise what a crank I am sometimes.

I think flexibility has slowly been happening, albeit slowly. I'm better able to deal with meals and snacks being over 'acceptable' amounts, I can eat the odd biscuit or bit of chocolate without having a massive freak out, although it can still be an issue for me. I've also become far less obsessive and fixated on food over the last few weeks, instead just enjoying it. There are times where I think about going back, but a larger part of me that simply doesn't want to. None of my memories of the past year have been happy ones, just loneliness, boredom and isolation.

One of my fears about losing my interest and obsession with food is accidentally relapsing. I've mentioned before, a few times probably, that I'm terrible at eating when I perceive I'm not hungry, whatever the actual reality is, and in the past my choice anxiety about what to eat has been so bad it's easier to just not bother. Of course you know the rest, accidental weight loss soon leads to deliberate weight loss and I end up very sick, yadda yadda yadda...

I've been pretty reflective lately and one of the things that continually hits me is I don't know how I lived before. Well actually I do, I didn't. Right now I really don't want to go back.

Yes, I'm facing uncertainty. Yes, there are things wrong in my life. Yes, I might not be happy. However, anything is better than before.

I'm aware that I could go back at any time, but right now, I really don't want to.

Last week's goals and how I've done.

1. Reassess. Work out what I'm doing and where I'm going with all this. As my dietician said, in many ways I'm still very much stuck. Maybe it's time to start pushing myself more and following the whole meal plan, after all, what am I gaining from doing a half arsed job at this stage?

I did a lot of thinking on Monday after I weighed myself. I'm still fairly restrictive, but I feel generally more relaxed. I'm not ready to completely let loose and eat whatever the hell I like, but my iron grip on my food and intake has been somewhat relaxing.

I am feeling differently. I was told I would at a higher weight and intake, and right now I'm questioning why I'm holding back a lot more, which I think is a positive. I do have a fear of letting go of anorexia, but slowly and surely I'm kind of getting a little more relaxed about it.

2. Relax a bit more about food and intake a little more.

This week in general I've been far better. I wouldn't say I'm letting go, as I said, but in general I'm far more relaxed about things.

3. The usual cook from scratch and make one new thing per week.

Cooking from scratch is a given anyway, as I generally do most days. I made a different quiche, and banana pancakes this week, so I did two things!

4. Ditto sticking as close to structure and routine as possible!

I have done that. No skipped meals or snacks at all.

5. Accept I need MORE food than the average person, not less.

Admittedly still tricky. I don't eat enough, still, but I am getting increasingly aware I don't, and feel far more relaxed about the whole idea of eating more.

6. Fewer vegetables and more carbs!

I've been trying to limit the number of vegetables I've had with each meal, with varying degrees of success.

7. Be brave, and actually start having 2000 as a minimum.

I actually have most days this week. Some days slightly under, and a couple of days over. I'd be lying if I said I was ok with it, but it is far easier than it once was.

How many times did I say 'relaxed' in that? Haha!

To work on next time!

1. Keep on doing what I'm doing, because clearly it is working for me (fuck the haterz! I am right, they are wrong, I get to feel super smug.)

2. Tackle a few more likes, dislikes, fears etc.

3. Cook from scratch and one new thing when possible a week.

4. Try and get more carb sources, rather than just relying on potatoes because they're safe.

5. Relax a bit more about food and intake and eating things outside meals, also eating bigger meals.

So yeah, apologies I'm late, and also that I couldn't be arsed with proof reading as per, and see you all soon!