Pasties, pastry, grey sludge and goji!
I've changed man, I used to be cool! Well actually I was never cool...
But yes, we're on to number 20 of these stupid reports I started up when I was still sorta starving and food obsessed, but a lot less starving and food obsessed than I was the previous summer where I just hated life and wanted to die, or in the autumn when I was at my lowest and was literally dying...
I honestly can't believe I bothered to keep doing them, because in general I am awful at sticking to things, but at the same time I did them because they help me, and it's easier to talk about this side of the whole trying to get better from anorexia thing than all the emotional changes I'm going through right now. I'm also someone that would be handed a meal plan, do it for a day, freak and then super restrict to compensate, there's very little in the way of mental health services in my city, and virtually no eating disorders service at all, so another reason I do these is to help other people in my position, who are as stuck as I was to get a little unstuck with the food side. Structure, stoicism and stealth has been my mantra since January, when I began all this.
There's a lot of brain stuff which is happening to me now, which I struggled to believe would happen. When I was full on starving I felt like me, and didn't feel like my cognitive functioning had been affected until it started improving. I suppose when I was sick I was kind of scared I wouldn't want to be anorexic anymore and all my 'hard work' would have been in vain, while similarly not wanting to be anorexic anymore... It was a weird position to be in, I can tell you that. All I know is at the time I was scared eating more would make me different, and then when I started eating more and became different, well, it's actually ok!
I couldn't see myself changing at all or changing my mind about anything at one point, but God, how wrong I was. So much can be put down to malnutrition after all. I'm a very different person to the person who started up these reports, I can tell you that much. When I started these I was BMI 14.4. Emaciated, nuts and I'd spent the previous couple of months living on chocolate ready brek, so I basically thought all food was brilliant and amazing!
Over the last however long it's been (well since the 7th December where I count my 'trying to get better' starting from) I've restored a modest amount of weight, and expanded the variety of my disastrous diet, as well as slowly ramping up the calories. With each increase and lb gained, my perspective has changed. Cognitively I'm doing far better, I'm semi functioning now, I'm less interested in food and fearful of it now I know it's coming. Over time I've started to feel a lot more reserved. Over the last year I felt I over communicated, however since January I've started to value my own privacy and have become very protective of my personal space. I have thoughts, but I'd rather keep them in my head than splurge them all over the Internet.
I can talk about food though. Yeah, ok, I'm less interested in it, but it doesn't mean I don't like making myself nice things to eat and that.
I've got a new phone, with a nice new camera. As a result much photo spam will ensue so be warned. I may be off Instagram, which was for my own good, but it doesn't mean I don't like taking pretty pictures of food! I have been completely snap happy, and the novelty hasn't worn off yet!
So yes. This week!
Fuck yes pasties!
On Wednesday I had my ECG. I'd already had lunch prepared for when I got in, but as I was walking to the appointment it was late in the morning and I realised I was ravenously hungry. I was vaguely thinking about buying a chocolate bar on the way home, but that felt scary and overwhelming.
I had initially planned on walking along the cycle track and swinging by Morrisons on the way home, as has always been my routine when I go to that particular surgery, being ever the creature of habit. However, as I mentioned, I was hungry, I was tired and grumpy, and that day it was raining, so I decided to get the bus again, after discovering the previous day that the number 8 stops right outside Morrisons. Seriously. I have lived in York seven years and I've only discovered that fact, despite the fact I even lived in the Badger Hill area of York and everything! Well anyway, I got the bus. I zoned out and missed my stop, so ended up getting off the bus in town anyway.
I walked past the pasty shop, and noticed they had the banana and Nutella ones in that landlord ex wanted to try, so I initially went in to get him one. The woman asked,
'Is there anything else?'
I paused and then went, 'you know what? Yes! I'll have a tomato and mozzarella one too!'
I wanted a pasty, and I honestly couldn't see the point in depriving myself. It's funny, because on the journey to town I was feeling angry at myself for the fact that in many ways I still feel like I'm somehow holding back, and I want to just go for it. Well, I like to believe that it was making some tentative steps towards that.
I kept it warm in the oven while I prepared a salad to go with it.
It may be slight sleep deprivation talking, but I think this photo looks oddly beautiful... I like the way the ridge looks.
Fun fact, apparently Cornish pasties were traditionally miners lunches. Basically a whole meal (meat and potatoes) encased in pastry which seems like a most excellent idea to me. The ridge was apparently the 'handle' which wasn't intended to be eaten as the miner's hands would be all grubby and whatnot from all the dirt from the mine. I think that's a real fact anyway and not something I just made up in my brain right now.
I think I actually liked this one better than the one the previous day which I felt was a little too salty. But yeah, I had it with a side salad and it was most excellent and certainly shall be reoccurring in my life!
Just in case anyone's curious, landlord ex said that the banana and Nutella one is 'everything he wanted it to be and many more will be occurring in future.' So there you go! Apparently there were lots of lumps of horrible banana in it, so I'll probably pass on it myself!
I do sort of struggle after I eat pasties with that feeling of being greasy, fat and disgusting, but I know that's anorexia talking rather than me actually being greasy, fat and disgusting.
On Thursday I went into town to sort out the aforementioned new phone, as I'd come to the end of my contract. Landlord ex had to pick up some things in town too, so we decided to meet up for a coffee when we were both done with our respective town things.
We went to cafe concerto, as usual. Now I usually have cheesecake, but annoyingly they were all out. Boooo!
The Agnes of a few weeks/ months ago would have had a full scale meltdown, however, I'm better now with unplanned things. I've already extensively studied cafe concertos menu, and so I decided to go for SOMETHING DIFFERENT (I know, dun dun durrr!)
I liked the look of the raspberry, cinnamon and almond cake, so I went for that. Landlord ex chose the chocolate cake.
Behold, the first photo from my new phone!
I wasn't so sure about the fruit bit myself, but I liked the cake, which was nice and cinnamony, and the almond topping was ace. Landlord ex had whipped cream with his, and I had a 'fuck it, I want whipped cream too!' moment, and so I went for it!
But yeah, the cake was all good, and I may get it again!
I was messing about with my new phone camera, so here's my face, and some of the awesome wallpaper at cafe concerto! Also my new dress! Many new things happening that day!
Cooking and that.
I've obviously done my usual cooking and that this week! I made my spinach and chickpea burgers on Friday. This time I did them without chilli and used tahini instead of peanut butter.
They were nice and everything, but I think I like them better with peanut butter, and I felt they could have been better. I can be rather self critical though, as I'm generally the first to admit. I feel I'm a far more healthy self critical now, rather than the inconsolable meltdown levels of self critical I was back in January.
Oh note the peas? Well I've mentioned I'm scared of peas. Since January I've started tentatively eating them again, although they've been very much rationed. Well, recently I've started to have them again, because peas are seriously my all time favourite vegetable and shouldn't be rationed. I do obviously weigh them out, but I have 30g which strikes me as a sensible portion without being overwhelmed by peas!
I think I possibly mentioned I'd bought some bananas last week, specifically so they could be blackened up for banana bread purposes? Well on Saturday morning they were sufficiently black, and as I was up early, half asleep and my brain wasn't (and isn't) up to much that time in the morning, it seemed like the perfect time for some baking action to occur!
Landlord ex was also up early, and I may have possibly got all grumpy at him for being in my way! Haha! Aside from that the baking side went ok. I did decide to use my electric hand beaters and subsequently got the mix everywhere! Forks all the way in the future! Yes I totally switched to a fork for the creaming of the butter and sugar, but if there's a better way to cream butter and sugar than fork smooshery I'd like to hear it! Yes! Fork smooshery is totally the correct term!
I personally don't feel it rose too well, but may just be me being my usual fussy, finicky self! Landlord ex told me it looked fine, and to stop being so self critical!
I had a massive fuck off chunk for my afternoon snack.
Like, a seriously big piece, it was kind of like two pieces worth of cake, because I was all like, 'fuck yes, banana bread!' It was pretty damn nice, particularly the crust! I'd also very finely blended the banana too. I've had a few pieces since and it is a damn nice cake. All nice and moist and all the good things in a cake happening with it.
I think I outdid myself: presenting the best pizza I've ever made!
I'm actually rather proud of this one. I defrosted some pizza dough (that I made earlier this month) on Friday night for pizza night on Saturday. I ended up having chips instead, so I used it Sunday evening.
Landlord ex had some fresh leaf spinach, which I cooked up to top my pizza with. I also used ricotta, mozzarella and tomatoes. I rolled the dough from chilled, and hand stretched it to finish it off.
I baked it at 180 for 15 minutes. It was cooked through to perfection and probably my best damn pizza yet! I have the skillz (innit!) The spinach went all crispy, but then I kind of liked it, fresh spinach is so much more flavourful than frozen too!
I had some buttermilk and a beaten egg to use up on Monday morning, so I set about making some buttermilk pancakes. This time I'd done a load of research about how to make the perfect buttermilk pancake, including getting everything to room temperature, and leaving the batter to rest for 15 minutes in order to allow the baking powder to do its thing.
I have no idea if these things made any difference, but my pancakes were amazing light and fluffy, and of course I made an absolute mess of dishing them up and flipping them and all that!
They did puff up really good, and I suppose they had the whole rustic homemade thing going on!
I had one that morning, served up with Greek yoghurt, amaretti and blueberries, with a nice big blob of maple syrup, and they were ace!
Grey sludge: I HAD SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE HAD MADE!
Landlord ex got himself one of those nutribullet things in a bid to be all healthy and shit. I got slightly annoyed because he bought a load of fresh stuff and reshuffled things in the kitchen. Although I was annoyed everything had been moved about, I was just slightly peeved, rather than being completely unable to cope as I would have been not so long ago.
He was all umming and ahhing about when to use his thing, when he decided in the end to just go for it!
His first attempt at a smoothie turned into grey sludge, it was a concoction of banana, blueberries, strawberries, Greek yoghurt, honey and spinach. He tried a bit and claimed 'it kind of grows on you...' He asked me if I wanted to try a bit, and I said 'yes, go on then!' and poured myself a shot glass full before I had a chance to change my mind!
I honestly cannot remember the last time I ate or drank something someone else had made from scratch. It was funny, but like the pasty, the big deal was the fact it wasn't a big deal.
It was actually really nice too!
It would be grey sludge wouldn't it... haha!
Goji! The victories keep coming!
On Saturday night my friend, J, texted me telling me she was coming to York. I actually had all manner of anxieties around seeing J. Mainly that the last time I saw her I was very, very sick. It was back in September, where I consider myself being at my very worst, not physically, but mentally.
That day we did go to goji, the veggie/ vegan restaurant, which I didn't want to do in the first place. I felt the irony of being somewhere where I could eat everything on the menu, and yet nothing on the menu at the same time...
I was anxious about seeing her in a new context. It might sound silly, but with the fact that I am constantly changing (for the better I feel! Mostly!) I was worried that I wouldn't like her any more, or we wouldn't get on. It might sound strange, but it sort of comes with the whole waking up thing.
On that front I had nothing to worry about, as J is awesome as ever!
Well, anyway, she wanted to meet at midday, and so I initially planned on just leaving early so I could fit lunch in. I also planned on asking her if we could go somewhere different, as goji is somewhere I associate with being 'at my worst.'
It was shitty weather, and raining, and I had a 'you know what, screw it! Let's go to goji!' Moment. After all, it's easier for J being a vegan and all, and I can't just avoid all my triggers forever.
I initially planned on just having a coffee, and dashing off for lunch. However I stopped to think, and I was all like, 'why?' J was eating there, why shouldn't I eat lunch too? That's what any normal person would do!
I was supposed to be meeting J a few weeks ago (although she cancelled last minute so it didn't happen) and the prospect of lunch came up then, but at the time I freaked, read the menu, found a million and one excuses as to why I couldn't eat any of the things on it (despite the fact I obviously can eat everything on the menu. Usual excuses of 'I might not like it, waste of money, I could make that myself blah blah blah...' Landlord ex did say to me that the whole thing of being a foodie meant eating out and eating things other people had prepared and so on.
Well anyway, it was coming up to 12 and I was actually pretty hungry, and I went 'you know what, fuck it!' I decided, based on my previous studying of the menu, to order the vegan mushroom burger, with pesto, and no mayo, as it seemed like the least 'offensive' thing to me and something I would eat. The veggie version came with haloumi, which I'm not the biggest fan of. It was a garlic mushroom, and I was being all 'I don't like garlic.' However I'm better with the whole making excuses thing.
I did get a bit anxious and jittery as we were waiting, which I did my best to hide from J.
Well anyway, here is my meal.
It was a grilled portobello mushroom, with smoked tofu, various salady bits, and sweet potato wedges.
I didn't eat the weird little mushrooms that topped it, because they freaked me out, however I ate the rest of it, including the leaves! Yes! I ate leaves! I even liked the leaves (shock horror!)
Oh my days! I thought what was essentially a mushroom sandwich would be boring, but my God I was wrong. It was so so good! Probably the best burger I've had. I really liked the smoked tofu, and garlicky mushroom, and the ketchup, and just everything that whole meal had going on for it. The bread was pretty damn good too. I'm not normally a fan of wholemeal, but again I was pleasantly surprised. You could really taste the seeds!
I wasn't that keen on the sweet potato wedges. They were essentially just baked sweet potato, and I wasn't overly fond of the texture. However the Burger was incredible. Does it count as a burger when it's literally just a mushroom? I dunno. Burger, mushroom roll, whatever. It was awesome.
Oh God, I have wanted to eat at goji for so damn long, and finally! Finally! I have! And I ordered what I wanted. Not too much choice anxiety. And the burger was awesome and will most certainly reoccur in my life!
And now we come to all the other stuff. Stuff not notable in its being challenging, but just that stood out for one reason or another.
Epic pancakes (with blueberry skyr)
On one of my random Waitrose trips, I picked up some blueberry skyr, and I ended up having it on one of my banana pancakes. I also used chocolate raisins, a broken up 'binge biscuit' and crushed amaretti.
Now I'm not a huge fan of most of the foods I ate when I was severely restricting (despite me swearing blind they were the BEST THING EVER when I was severely restricting.) However, I like danios still, as I've mentioned. I also really liked the skyr! It didn't taste like a boring health food at all, but tasted incredible (plus as an added bonus it has lots of proteiny goodness going on!)
These are the 'Icelandic skyr' they sell at Waitrose, and in my opinion they are most excellent. I haven't tried the Arla skyr, but I've heard they're not too great.
I did go off yoghurt for a bit when I started eating more, associating it with restriction, but now the weathers warmer I'm liking yoghurt a lot. Fatty fat obviously. You only eat diet if you hate life, because low fat yoghurt is seriously the most pointless thing in existence.
Who makes the best shortcrust? Aggy makes the best shortcrust!
I had another slice of Sunday's quiche for lunch on Thursday as it needed eating.
That pastry was incredible. All buttery and crumbly and just good and perfect in every way. I have always had poor circulation (even at healthy weights) and as a result my hands are permanently cold, which makes them ideal for pastry making!
But yeah, my quiche was just damn good!
New night snack biscuits: all butter rhubarb and orange shortbread rounds.
This was from last week but I forgot to mention it!
Now M&S have launched their new 'spirit of summer' range. I've already tried the orange and cashew butter cookies, which were new from that range, however I noticed that they had some new shortbread rounds too which I was dying to try.
I didn't think much of the previous cookies, and I kind of hoped that M&S had done better this time round.
I was kind of unsure about these too if I'm honest. The texture was kind of uninteresting, and tasted like they'd gone slightly stale, and the flavour was overwhelmingly strong. They kind of grew on me, but I'd probably not get them again.
I've also noticed that the coffee and walnut shortbread rounds have gone, which makes me sad as I really liked them. I hope the other offerings from the 'spirit of summer' range are better than the couple of things I've had.
Strawberry fruit tart.
Another new thing was a strawberry fruit tart I bought from Morrisons on Friday. I wanted one of their fruit tarts but they were all out, so this was a hasty alternative!
One thing I can say for it, it makes a good photo! Or maybe it's my new phone camera.
The strawberries were a bit meh, but I really liked the custardy stuff. I've already mentioned before that I'm super fussy about strawberries, as I only really eat them when they're in season and my grandfolks grow them and everything.
When I was in Morrisons I was tempted by the profiterole sundae thing they had in the cream cake bit, as it totally looked like my kind of thing. Sadly I wussed out, as it was a new thing, I might not like it, blah blah blah, same old tired excuses... I have added it to the list of things I totally need to challenge though.
Magical make better omelettes!
On Friday I was feeling crappy all day, so I decided to knock up an omelette, as their magical make better powers seem to do the trick.
I did a spinach and ricotta, as I had a load of ricotta that needed using up. I managed to flip the omelette to perfection (although as usual I totally ballsed up the serving up.)
I think it's probably my favourite omelette (although spinach and ricotta anything is seriously good shit!)
I also mentioned I felt like absolute crap all day, but after the omelette I felt so much better. Omelettes still have their amazing make better powers!
I woke up way too early on Saturday morning and had absolutely no idea what I wanted for breakfast. I had a bagel to use up, and I was kind of craving something sweet, so I ended up knocking up a sweet toastie as it had been a while since I'd had one!
I used the last of the apricot jam as it needed finishing, and piled in some chocolate raisins, cherries and a binge biscuit.
I used too much jam though, and the result was delicious, delicious jam carnage. This photo is kind of the calm before the storm! As an added bonus the jam seeped out and welded it to the plate, meaning I had to use a knife and fork and everything. Still, it was a glorious, delicious mess!
I ended up going to Waitrose because I kind of fancied a walk (and their delicious flapjack cookies!) I bought some cheesecake again and I have nothing else to add except it is awesome!
I made a meal as per of dishing it up, so that's it's good side, but yeah. It was pretty damn good. Also no issues around eating it either! I may have conquered cheesecake now! Huzzah!
Various food issues.
On Friday I already mentioned I was having a bad day, moodwise. I ended up getting unnecessarily triggered by some life shit, and I hadn't slept that well either. Well anyway, I ended up eating a few cracker crisps on top of my afternoon snack, and I really struggled with it and found myself vowing to restrict. The urges to restrict, though less of an issue, are still very much there in general. Even now typing this I feel kind of angry at myself for being such a pig. I know it was a handful of crackers, which I'd weighed and everything, and not a binge, but I still struggle with stuff like that. I seriously had major guilt about the crisps, and had to ask landlord ex if it was ok.
The thing is I was upset, and I always struggle eating when I'm upset, or anxious, or tired, or stressed because it feels like a binge, even though a handful of crisps is hardly a binge, in fact a handful of crisps isn't a binge, and most people would just eat that mindlessly without thinking.
I also got similarly stressed about eating an extra apple on Saturday, despite the fact it's, you know, an apple... I've always struggled more with volume eating and eating a lot of things more than I have with eating higher kcal things if there's only one of them... I eat loads of vegetables with my meals, but I feel greedy about doing so because there are a load of them, strange as that may sound!
Of course I'm still counting absolutely everything, to the point of it being stupid in the case of some things (herbs/ spices/ tea/ coffee/ cucumbers etc.)
Gallows humour on point! I've probably mentioned that I have a new phone already haven't I? Once? Twice? A few times? Well, I reinstalled all my apps and tried to sort them into folders. My phone suggested that I file these too under 'health.' Didn't feel quite accurate, so I fixed it!
I've accepted that I will have to count calories for far longer than I want to or I'm comfortable with. I vowed that would be the last thing to go, purely because it's my oldest behaviour, and the thing that landed me in this mess in the first place.
Then there's the fact I won't 'let go.' It's been so long since my BMI has been in the healthy range I'm actually kind of scared of it happening...
I suppose in general I'm still struggling with the fact my body's changing. I mean, I have gained weight. I'm more or less the weight I was this time last year, except then I was going down, this time it's going up. There's part of me that gets angry because I feel like I should be 'done' and should just switch to maintenance now. However I know that's kind of pointless at the same time, because I was a 'functioning anorexic' for ages, and that really sucked. I feel fleshier which I don't like. I don't actually like the colour of my skin now, which might sound weird, but I never used to like my skin. It's all horrible, patchy and oily and always has been. I kind of liked how smoking and starvation dried it out, and the paleness kind of got rid of the blotchiness, as my skin was all one colour. I don't have body dysmorphia, but at the same time I do have a few weird issues with my body, and I've probably mentioned that if I could have an anorexic body without the head crap that goes with it, hell I would take it. I've already mentioned the problem with that though, the head crazy. It's really not worth it, of its having the body I want vs having the life I want... well, no brained really (although it took me way to long to come to that conclusion!
The point where we can revisit past Agnes' first ever goals and think 'aw bless!'
Well, as it's the twentieth one of these, I thought I'd go back to report number one, so see how I've changed and that.
1. Continue to follow structure and work towards increasing my calories.
I feel I've been pretty consistent with this. When I began I was very strictly eating only 1500, usually just under. On New Year's Eve I allowed myself 1700, which was scary. These days I'm actually averaging around 2000 a day, which I know isn't enough, but at the same time is miles better than what I existed on before. At one point even eating 1500 was terrifying and unthinkable, so I feel I've done pretty well!
2. Try and challenge more 'likes', 'dislikes' which ones are ED driven, which ones are genuine and so on.
Ah, so many things I can't even begin to count them! Quiche has been the most recent! I've eaten many new things, as well as things I haven't eaten in years. I genuinely don't like bananas, but banana bread and pancakes are nice. I'm eating yoghurt again. Fage 0% sucks balls, but danios are kind of nice and skyr is awesome! Some things I only like when I'm restricting, but there are other things I do genuinely like.
I discovered I do genuinely like sweet potatoes, despite claiming that I hated them! Well, I like my sweet potato chips anyway, the baked wedges I had on Sunday were meh, but still, I ate them, which I would have refused to do at one point. My 'binge biscuits' are nice in non binge form, as is PB and J.
I also discovered that I'm not a huge fan of quorn, and again I loved it when I was restricting. I only really like quorn cottage pies/ lasagnes and facon of course.
When I started these up I had a really sweet tooth, and didn't eat many savoury things, claiming they were 'boring' and 'pointless' but I've challenged myself on that. It turns out I don't have a sweet tooth at all, preferring savoury stuff, and I only really seem to like sweet things when I'm restricting.
On Saturday I had mushroom stroganoff, something I had no idea if I even liked, and I wouldn't have dreamed of making it not so long ago as I was convinced I probably wouldn't like it. However, it turns out my mushroom stroganoff is one of my favourite foods and one of many things I can comfortably eat now, which never stops being a good feeling! Oh yeah, I also really like English mustard too!
3. Buy cheese topped rolls! This is a really big deal for me. Pre ED they were always a favourite, but they were something my eating disorder ruined for me completely. Before I got really ill, I would buy a packet of them and eat four for lunch or over the course of an afternoon without a second thought. I suppose I've always had a slightly odd relationship with them, as they were also a binge food when I was a teenager... however later they just became one of my favourite foods in my late teens when I was a bit more 'normal' and as I said, the entire packet was once a fairly standard lunch! As my ED developed, they became a go to binge food, something I would frequently binge on in the middle of a supermarket or in the car park, and now I'm just too scared to buy them. I've been eyeing them up a lot lately, and I would love to just go for it and buy them without the constant head noise.
Haha! That was a very early victory and probably my first 'breakthrough', when I worked out that I could easily work my favourite rolls into my routine. I've actually bought them a few more times since. I've had them for breakfast, and lunch on many occasions, and they are ace!
4. My goal for my birthday in February is to eat macaroni cheese and peas for tea (it's one of my favourite foods and I haven't eaten it in five years because calories, well except if I was bingeing on the tins) so work towards making it happen.
Ok, so it wasn't tea. There were also no peas involved, but I actually bloody did it! Not only that, it's now a regular occurrence in my life. The first time it happened I remember it being a huge deal, and being anxious and having to match landlord ex's pace and everything, but as times gone on it's got easier. In fact last time I was in city screen I remarked that it wasn't really a big meal at all. Perspective and everything.
I've got to the stage now where I can quite comfortably eat food when I'm out now, and it's something I look forward to.
I still need to be brave enough to make my own, but hell, if I managed quiche, and pastry, it shouldn't be beyond me now!
5. To work on the whole weird relationship I have with carbs.
Hmmm... past Agnes, perhaps you and I are not so different after all! Mind you I have done a lot of work on that.
Over the last few weeks I have done a lot of work with the whole carb thing. At the beginning, the only carbs I could really do were bready things (sometimes), crackers (sometimes) and tortellini. All other carbs were scary. I hadn't eaten a potato in nearly five years, now I eat them nearly every day. I've made my own pittas, and pastry, and pizza. I'm still not good at plain pasta, rice and couscous yet, and I can still be weird about bread.
I don't really eat many wholegrain things, mainly because I don't like them (although I admit I haven't really pushed or challenged myself with that...) and I tend to use plain white flour for everything because it's cheaper, which is probably another area that needs work. Nothing wrong with basics plain white flour, but at the same time I know I'm not using other flours because I'm kind of scared of them. I know I need to try challenging myself a bit more in the coming weeks and months. They're not evil, but the main energy group after all.
Last week's goals and how I've done.
1. Keep on doing what I'm doing, because clearly it is working for me (fuck the haterz! I am right, they are wrong, I get to feel super smug.)
Damn right! Fuck the haterz! Haha!
Well, I had another one of those pasties the very next day purely because I wanted one. Because of the structure I've spent the last few months consolidating, it fit nicely into my routine. I no longer compensate for bigger meals and snacks. I just have the next one as usual. I have a memory of going to see my friend S back in December, and because I had a coffee and biscuit, I had a single boiled egg for tea to 'compensate' for those extra calories...
I know! Now I think back to that time and I'm all 'what the fuck past Agnes???' It feels like such a long time ago now, yet in reality it really wasn't long ago at all!
2. Tackle a few more likes, dislikes, fears etc.
Note scary pasty. I had pasties two days in a row! I don't know if I've particularly challenged any likes and dislikes. I did drink the grey sludge, despite the fact I hate honey and it had honey in it. However I couldn't even taste it. I had lunch out with J, despite my fears I wouldn't like things. I ate things there I didn't think I liked but were actually pretty darn good.
3. Cook from scratch and one new thing when possible a week.
I've obviously cooked from scratch. I've baked too! I've also done pancakes! So yey me! I haven't made anything new this week, but there's always next week.
4. Try and get more carb sources, rather than just relying on potatoes because they're safe.
I think I've had chips every day this week, again! I tend to just have chips because I do really like chips. However I'm well aware I go for chips as they're a 'safe option now. But yeah, my carbs this week have been pastry, potatoes, bread and tortellini. It's been years since I've eaten white rice, because I'm scared of it, I still can't do plain pasta, I'm still weird about bread. I haven't really eaten couscous in an age because I'm scared of it, and I've only managed it a couple of times this year. I know I need to push myself more.
5. Relax a bit more about food and intake and eating things outside meals, also eating bigger meals.
I had another pasty as a 'bigger meal', as for the eating outside meals thing, it's still an issue for me. I only really do the structured snacks, nothing outside those. I've had the odd apple/ biscuit, and I've made morning snack bigger, eating 200kcal instead of 100kcal, but I find it really hard...
Despite the setbacks, I actually feel I've had a really good week. I note goji, and the pasty as definite marks of progress, and more of that needs to occur. I remember a few months ago feeling really frustrated about not being able to eat what I liked when I was out, while similarly feeling it was pointless... well now I still feel like I'm very sick, and have a long way to go, but I actually feel incredibly proud of how far I've come.
I've noticed with each BMI point and lb gained, my perspective has changed. I'm far more flexible about food and life in general than I was right at the start of these reports. I no longer have total meltdowns over things not being 'perfect', I have the odd moment, but that's generally when I'm tired, or hungry. I've got to the stage where I just like food, I'm not obsessed with it anymore, and again I put that as being a higher BMI.
When I made my lunch the other day it struck me that I can eat stuff like this now.
Tortellini with aaaall the vegetables. It's the four cheese one. It's funny but when I was really sick this is kind of stuff I fantasised about. I dreamed of eating vegetables, and fresh things. I know, stereotypically I should be fantasising about eating cake and chocolate and shit, but that's the thing, when I was sick I comfortably ate stuff like that, but faced with a plate of vegetables and I would have a full scale meltdown. Everyone's different and all that...
No zoomed in close ups to pretend I'm eating more than I am either (yes I totally did that, and yes I'm sure you all knew it!) I eat a huge plate of pasta with vegetables now!
I've actually been eating tortellini a lot less lately, so maybe I'm losing interest in it? Probably long overdue. I haven't had porridge in absolutely ages, but I suspect I reached the limits of what you can do with porridge... my porridges of earlier this year were verging on the completely ridiculous.
I'm going to repeat what I said in last report because it's true. I really have no idea how I even existed before. It's funny because at the time I didn't even see what I was doing as restricting or depriving myself, it was more than eating more just felt 'pointless' and 'stupid.'
I do have a lot of issues around food that I'm increasingly aware come from my upbringing that I'm currently trying to tackle. You know stupid throwaway comments adults make that you deeply internalise when you're a young impressionable kid? Well yeah... there are a tonne. I have been negatively affected by the diet culture. I was also given a book on mindful eating as a teenager by my mum when I was going through the whole teenage puppy fat phase, and I had no idea how much that book actually fucked me up until recently. I don't think my mum has any idea either. Just to clarify, I don't blame my parents at all for the fact I'm fucked up, after all, I'm an adult and I make my own choices, and at the end of the day my parents ultimately want the best for me. I'm sure they didn't want me to starve myself to death, well I'm certain they didn't, and thanks to anorexia up until now I've never had much of a relationship with them. Still, it's not too late. It's never too late.
I've always been a person of extremes, so low carb means no carb, low fat means no fat, quite literally in both cases! I'm working in general on the whole thing of things not being black and white, and being able to cope with the shades of grey.
To work on.
1. Try and get my head around eating more outside meals.
2. Try and incorporate a few new carb sources over the next few weeks.
3. Work on a few 'likes', 'dislikes' and fears.
4. Eat much pastry and keep it being a non scary thing. The same applies to all the scary things like eggs and cheese.
5. Following on from that. I need to buy a pasty next week, to stop them becoming something I do once, pat myself on the back for, and never repeat again!
6. Obviously cook from scratch and when I can make one new thing a week.
7. Do something new and carb related.
8. Try and 'go for it' a bit more. After all, I do have permission to eat. I'm the only one stopping myself at this stage.
All in all, I'm actually kind of proud of myself and what I've achieved over the last five months. I'm actually feeling all levels of smug. I couldn't have done it all without landlord ex, my OT and dietician, but most of the hard work has come from me. I did it. I cook the food. I eat the food. I took back control (why does that always make me want to go 'we got are cuntree bakc!!!!!1!' Haha!)
And yes, I'm proud.