Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Apologies!

I haven't got the eats report ready in time for publishing because I've been busy, you know, actually having a life!

I've been to visit my folks for Easter and now I'm currently on mummy duty!

 

Which is mostly looking at the back of his head as he probably loves Dave more than me! Age of empires 2 for anyone interested!

I will have to prize him away soon and take him out for some fresh air! Haha!

But yeah, I have written part of a report which I will finish up and publish at some point!

Anyway, I have pizza dough to knead, a 9 year old to get dressed and I am in need of a shower myself! I will update properly when I can!

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Recipe Wednesday: Cheesy Shroom burgers!

May I present the best veggie burger I have ever created?

 

Beautifully neat and delightfully meaty!

Now cheese and mushroom, in my humble opinion, is one of the single greatest flavour combinations of all time! One of my favourite things in the whole wide world is that cheese and mushroom pasty that nice pasty shop on Kings Square do. (York people, get on it! I promise you now you will not regret it! Well unless you hate mushrooms, or cheese, then you might!) It's been a while since I've had one, but I certainly intend to rectify that at some point in the not to distant future!

Well anyway, it was only a matter of time, during my great burger obsession, that I would attempt to make my own cheesy shroom burger!

The process was far from smooth. They caused so much drama in their creation! There was lots of panicking, adding things, tears, tantrums and me declaring myself a failure and a terrible cook. I nearly threw the mixture away because I was so convinced it wasn't going to work. However, thankfully I didn't give up! I womaned up, shaped the mix into patties and shoved them in my grill to see what would happen...

The result was something very beautiful and incredible.

 

So if you too want to have a go at making them yourself then without further ado, here's the recipe. Like all my recipes it's relatively adaptable and not set in stone!

Ingredients

250g mixed mushrooms (I used white, chestnut and a couple of mini portobello as that's what I had in, but any'll do!)
1 small red onion, or half a large one. I tend to use red onions for burgers, but white work perfectly fine too!
400g tin kidney beans.
90g breadcrumbs (I used half white, half wholemeal. White tends to work better for burgers.)
80g mature cheddar cheese, grated. (You can use mild cheese, but there is a special place in hell for people who eat mild cheese, or even call it cheese!)
1 tbsp flour.
1 egg, beaten.
1 tbsp dried mixed herbs.
1 tsp paprika.
Salt and pepper.
10ml sunflower oil (plus extra if frying.)

Method.

1. Place the kidney beans in boiling water, and boil for ten minutes to soften. Drain and place in a mixing bowl. Meanwhile, finely chop the onion.

2. Fry the onion for around five minutes to soften. Add the mushrooms and fry for another five minutes.

3. Drain using kitchen towel and place in the mixing bowl with the kidney beans. Make sure the mushroom mix is properly drained as it'll be quite wet! Mash/ blend into a paste. Ideally it should be quite fine.

4. Stir in the cheese, breadcrumbs, flour, seasoning, spices and the egg to bind. Usual burger rules apply, if the mixture looks too wet, add extra flour or breadcrumbs, if the mixture looks too dry add a splash of water. Incidentally the mixture smells absolutely fucking incredible. To quote my dad, 'wrap your nostrils around THAT!'

5. Cover and chill for a couple of hours in the fridge.

6. Remove from fridge, shape into 6-8 patties. The mixture may seem a bit wet and gloopy, but don't panic, I usually find they hold together fine. If you're worried about it being too wet, place the patties on some kitchen towel to dry them out a little!

7. Fry for a few minutes until browned on each side (or alternatively grill for 10 minutes.)

 

Serve and enjoy!

 

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Writers block.

There are times I wish I could just plug something into my brain and all my thoughts would just be typed up. I was having a discussion with a friend (through text) yesterday and today. They suggested I could write about other things more, stuff that happens in meetings and so on.

That the thing, I do, or at least I try to, but I struggle. I struggle to get the words down and they feel phoney and hollow and I end up just deleting the whole thing, which is why you (whoever actually reads this) get treated to the usual self indulgent drivel. I've mentioned countless times that I've always found it easier to write that kind of thing, just like I'm usually better at writing when I'm utterly miserable. For some reason when I'm more content I feel less inclined to write, and when I'm ecstatically happy none of my blog posts would make sense because they're all over the place and generally have TWO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS, 'epic' and 'awesome' being the only two adjectives used, and multiple eclaimation marks!!!!!1!!!

I did write about different things last year, about demos and meetings and politics, and about games I was playing at the time and so on. However, at the time I was just about holding it together while really trying to hide how much weight I'd lost and was losing... it wasn't a great time...

It's frustrating because I have so many good posts in my head, but they purely exist in my head and I struggle to get them down. I've wanted to talk about so many things and yet when I try to write them I get stuck.

Today hasn't been brilliant.

Two things today.

1. My weight is up, again, and is a number I haven't seen since July.
2. I'm ill.

Instantly I'm berating myself, telling myself I'm 'not allowed' to be this ill when I'm 'already fat...' I seem to have decided I'm too fat to be this ill, and have been beating myself up for not getting anything done, and I haven't, I really haven't. The most I've managed is a trip to sainsburys, and that took so much out of me. 'Don't shop when you're half asleep' is definitely the new 'don't shop when you're hungry.' I spent a good hour, mostly stood in the aisles clutching a courgette wondering why the hell I was there, what I'd gone in for and how I'd got there in the first place... still, I bought a few supplies and went back home to pass out for a few hours in the afternoon.

The way I feel about weighing myself is that I've chosen to, and ditto staying on Facebook (even though I get envious and angry when other people talk about weight loss, annoyed when other people talk about kcal because they usually have no fucking clue what they're on about and I actually do know a lot about calories, way too much, and ditto any kind of diet talk/ food moralising.) The reason being is that life is triggering and I can't wrap myself in cotton wool forever. I have chosen to weigh every day, and instead I'm trying to get to the stage where the number doesn't bother me.

It's a sign of progress that I'm not an inconsolable wreck, but it's still a problem. I'm not really on weight gain amounts of calories, I eat between 1800-2250 most days, and more often than not I'm on 1800, plus a lot of my intake is still fruits and vegetables. I don't eat a great deal of fat (aside from in the afternoon), and I am very aware of every single minute macro I'm taking in. It's not that I'm falling into the old dieting trap of eating more than I'm aware I'm eating, because as you've probably gathered by now, I am very very aware of everything I'm putting in my mouth.

So obviously I'm falling into that thinking pattern, 'what if my body doesn't work like everyone else's?' 'Why am I gaining on non weight gain calories?' Then I was thinking that the gain only started when I started using oil and eating bell peppers so it must be those... and yeah. It's that whole thinking that when I let myself go, all I do is make myself fat, and I still very much mentally equate weight loss with 'success' and weight gain with 'failure.' Logically I know that right now, things don't work like that, for me anyway. The reality is I still have two stone to gain before my BMI is even 20, and I'm venturing into the healthy range. I suppose there's some annoyance that I might be gaining on non weight gain amounts.

My dietician said I shouldn't be weighing at the moment anyway, as fluctuations at this stage are pretty common, especially if I'm introducing new foods and so on. The problem is my eating disorder is so numbers driven too. I've never really cared about what the numbers look like on me, but purely what the scale says.

I've eaten despite the feelings. I ate breakfast as usual, which was epic pancakes, and have had all my meals. At the point I'm writing this I'm going to have my tea soon, and I'm having epic tortellini, but have found myself debating whether I should add oil or not, whether it was the 120g instead of 100g what did it, whether I should put ricotta in, whether I should use one of the bell peppers I bought... and this is a safe meal.

 

My topping enthusiasm is strong!

 

Afternoon snack, it was as tasty as it looked, well unless you think it looks shit, well it tasted amazing! Haha!

I did have a look into making my own, but they do involve a lot of egg whites and yolks, and egg in general, and I decided I really couldn't be arsed, especially when the sainsburys ones are pretty damn good!

As it happens, I'll probably have the tortellini the way I like it, but there is that guilt, and feeling greedy. Just like I feel guilty for being ill and unable to do stuff. I'm 'not allowed', so yeah...

I have felt a bit better lately. I did make my usual feminist network meeting on Sunday, and went for my fortnightly cheese doseage. I've been sleeping badly lately, so the day passed in that daze it usually does when I'm sleep deprived.

S told me I was looking better,

'Please don't...'

I apologised, and did say that I have a tendency to misinterpret those type comments as 'you're getting fat.'

I'm in a weird place in general with all that, where I'm both really wanting people to stop feeling sorry for me, while simultaneously feeling scared of being well and looking better too.

I ended up going on another walk in the afternoon, not wanting to go straight home after lunch.

I've mentioned before that I'm not actually from York, I moved here nearly seven years ago now (eep!) as a student and just never left, having nowhere better to go (plus I kinda like it here!) My decision to stay kind of was a weird one, as at the time I had no life here, had just ditched my degree, and Roy was my only friend. I suppose my main motivation for staying here was a desire to not be back at my parents in disgrace after fucking up yet another thing. I wanted to make York work for me. It's been up and down admittedly, but I continue to persevere.

Basically, I'm very proud, and stubborn, two qualities I'm not entirely proud of.

Well anyway, in my first year I basically did all the tourist shit. I walked every inch of the city, went to all the museums, walked the walls every day, as my house first year was directly opposite them and got to know the city.

However, as I've got more comfortable here I've kind of stopped doing all that. You get used to a place after a while, and it did make me laugh when my mum visited in June that she was getting all excited over things I've long got used to (the shambles, all the old architecture and so on!)

Anyway, I realised it had been a while since I'd walked the walls, so decided to take a stroll along the side close to my house.

 

The walls. We have a nearly complete set of city walls (aside from three sections, two were removed and the kings pool was in the way of the other bit.) Chester actually has complete city walls, and they can sometimes be quite smug about it! I've never been to Chester, but I'm sure our walls are better!

 
It's funny how different everything looks from the wall (although the focus was off on my phone camera, so you only get the wall and not the view! Haha!)

I sat in the sun for a while, then strolled along the Foss for a bit.

 

Footbridge over the Foss and river cleaning boat. Both disused. C always, without fail, has a long bitch about it every time we drive past. Good old council cuts!

I did write this post earlier, well most of it, but may I just add, I did lube up my tortellini, and have 120g of two different kinds (mushroom and tomato and mozzarella) and it was indeed epic!

I did get upset at S's comment, but she did say,

'You didn't let me finish, what I meant was, I'm glad you're doing better and you seem happier. I can see how far you've got to go, but I respect how far you've come, and I think you're doing amazingly!'

Probably the best assessment!

Eats report: volume 15

Weighty issues, dietician, too many tarts and choux buns, and how my week's panned out.

 

First up, apologies if this is late. I usually aim to schedule these for 9am on a Tuesday morning, however my internet is playing up a little, so I have no idea when this'll actually get published! I also ended up losing my final draft, forcing me to use an earlier version, so there may be half made points, half completed sentences and spelling and grammar errors all over the shop! You have been warned!

It's funny, but this week the thing that has struck me the most is I'm actually pretty fucking ill, and I've been pretty fucking ill for a long time.

Yeah I know, well durr!

However, I've been thinking back to when I started these, and earlier when I'd hit my lowest point, mentally and physically, and been shocked at what my normal was, how many foods I wouldn't touch, go near and had good 'reasons' to avoid. I've said before that there are times where I am genuinely shocked at how little I was living on.

It's not to say there's still not a lot of foods I won't eat for stupid me reasons, God, the list is endless, but at the same time I've come a long way!

It's weird though, because I spent years doubting whether I was actually really ill or not, and thinking 'I can't have anorexia because I eat too much/ ok around others/ fatty foods' etc, and now there no doubt in my mind that I am ill, even though I'm currently eating better than I have in years. Guess it's all progress.

Technically I know I'm in 'quasi' recovery, if we're going to use those stupid Instagram binary definitions. Incidentally I made the decision to deactivate my Instagram account, but that's a story for another post...

Anyway, I know some people hate being in so called quasi, but to be honest, I find it quite liberating. I've mentioned that in my past I have tried to eat my way out and it's never worked. I'm actually fairly happy being in 'quasi recovery.' It's allowed me to chip away at things and do things at my own pace. No meeting other people's goals and targets, but purely my own.

Anyway, I decided to do something a bit different this week and actually write up how my week has panned out. This is the closest you'll ever get to me posting a day's intake. Also I couldn't be arsed with photographing every little thing, purely because it's highly disordered and a little weird!

Apologies as this post will be a little more numbers and intake centric, so if that sort of thing bothers you, I probably wouldn't read this post!

This week has been surprisingly tough. I've been struggling far more with food than I have for a while. My weight's up a little, not by much, I mean I am just BMI 15, but while initially I felt proud of myself for what I'd achieved, I've found myself beating myself up increasingly for 'failure' and 'making myself fat.' It doesn't help that my depression has come back a little this week, I've had another energy crash, and I have been struggling with eating disordery thoughts much more, the whole 'my life's shit and I'm miserable, so why am I making myself fat too' thing.

So safe options have happened a lot. It's funny, but much as I've struggled with the whole 'being fat' thing, I simultaneously haven't been wanting to deprive myself either. I suppose that's a huge mark of how far I've come. Now when I feel shitty, I want to make and eat nice foods, rather than deny myself things. I care about being 'fat', but at the same time, I like food too much to deny myself it.

But anyway, I thought I'd actually give the general gist of how my weeks gone and how I eat now. Back in September my OT suggested I did a 'food and mood' diary. Although I was initially dismissive, I actually did it for a few weeks, and that when I made the numbers association and realised I actually felt calmer when I'd eaten all my intake at once, when I'd got it out the way and I no longer had to think, so it was actually pretty useful. When I raised my intake, finally, in December I fell out of the habit. Mainly because I started to enjoy the food thing a lot, and stopped thinking about it as much. Obviously there have been a whole host of issues, which I've generally highlighted in these reports.

Well, anyway, I thought this week I'd do a version of this.

Tuesday: bad day.

On Tuesday I had a bad day. I woke up way too early and couldn't get back to sleep. I weighed myself and my weight had shot up to 42kg, which threw me into old thinking patterns. You know, the whole 'I'm fat. I'm making myself fat.' thing. I also felt tired, groggy, and was in a load of pain...

I decided to get going early and made daal in the morning. I had eaten my last lot of daal so I needed to make some more, so I had a batch cooking sesh.

 

The making of the daal went ok. I decided to add a little dried corriander at the end. Unfortunately my hand slipped and I added a lot more coriander than I'd originally intended. I suddenly got all worried about the daal and adding the extra coriander and it not being nice. I was going to have some for lunch but couldn't do it, because I was worried about it not being nice and wasting calories and the usual anorexic bollocks, so instead I opted for a 'safe' burger. It was one of my falafel splats burgers and was really good however.

I also did have a choux bun of epic win in the afternoon, because I cared far more about having the choux bun than I did about being fat. I have said before that I find pastry things and cakey things way easier to eat (mentally) than meals and vegetables and stuff and even at my worst I was eating cake and chocolate and stuff (and very little else...)

For those of you who need reminding...

 

This is one of the choux buns of win! I've recently got obsessed with them and have one nearly every day! Haha!

I was preoccupied with food all day and spent way too long stressing about the daal. I had planned to have some for tea but again wussed out so instead had epic tortellini, with mushrooms and many peppers, which was indeed epic and all manner of delicious.

Incidentally, my weight has gone up since I've started eating bell peppers again. Past me would have sworn off bell peppers, however, present me likes bell peppers too much and wouldn't dream of cutting them out, just to fit stupid numbers. I guess that's a mark of progress.

Wednesday: dietician and I WENT OUT IN THE EVENING!

On Wednesday I had my appointment with the dietician. Breakfast and morning snack happened as per (buttermilk pancakes with yoghurt, fruit and crushed amaretti, drizzled with maple syrup, and an apple for snack as standard!)

In the appointment I did mention the salt thing, and she said I really needed to be taking my refeeding supplements (which I'm still massively struggling to do) as they'd probably help with that.

She said, 'they're just extra vitamins! That's all they are!'

I said I just couldn't see the point in taking them, even though I knew it wouldn't adversely affect my life if I did. I have this issue with medication in general. I can't even take paracetamol...

She wants me to work on not counting fruits, vegetables, herbs, spices and tea and coffee, but I said I still didn't really feel ready for that yet. She told me I shouldn't be weighing things like cucumber because 'it's just water and vitamins.' Logically I know that, but at the same time I do struggle to not count it. She also said she'd like to see me gaining faster.

She did say I'm a lot more pleasant these days and far easier to talk to than I once was, which is something. Quite a few people have commented the same, and although I know I can get a bit belligerent at times, I don't feel like the boring, food obsessed grumpy and miserable zombie I was six months ago.

My goals from the appointment were:

Actually get the increase in. At the moment I'm averaging 1800-2200 a day, whereas she wants me to be consistently getting at least over 2000.
Have a sandwich for lunch. She said to start with ordering a panini or something at a café to start with and work up to making my own.
Introduce puddings!
Multiple carbs with meals, rather than having one carb source (a sandwich with crisps and so on. I must admit I really struggled to get my head around this particular one.)
I have to eat 500kcal extra on days I'm going on one of my long epic walks, or even if I've been particularly active. She said it was not unusual for people to have something like a sandwich as a snack if they'd been very busy, again another difficult one to get my head around!
To actually take my damn supplements and to talk to my care coordinator about all the weird psychological issues I have around the taking of supplements.

So yeah, few things to work on.

I bombed down to sainsburys to pick up a few bits and pieces and made myself lunch when I got in.

I finally managed to have my daal from the day before, with chips, incinerated vegetables and salady bits.

 

The daal was delicious, and not over coriandered as I feared! My daal is seriously the best. But yeah, I really enjoyed it! I used fewer potatoes than I normally would to make the meal 'fit' numbers, which isn't brilliant I know...

My afternoon snack was another choux bun of win (I'm obsessed with them at the moment.) I did have a moment in sainsburys where there was a little old lady at the patisserie counter who asked 'how do you stay so slim and eat stuff like that.' Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! So many things wrong with that I don't even know where to begin! I must admit I found it difficult as the usual anorexic self doubts crept it (I don't need to gain any more, I eat too much fatty food etc.) however, like the day before I was hardly going to pass up on a choux bun of win just because someone said something stupid!

In the evening there was a memorial for my late friend, who died at the end of last year. It has been nearly a year since I 'did' a social evening thing, in fact the last time was the people's assembly bring and share thing back in July... I've had a few opportunities, but I haven't been able to so far. However, I felt it was important that I went.

I was initially going to have soup for my tea, as it'd be quick, however landlord ex had his tea early, meaning I had the kitchen to myself so I made an omelette. As I rushed it, my omelette did fall apart, but I wasn't too fussed, as I cared more about getting to the thing on time than I did about how pretty my omelette was.

I did walk to the thing (after declining a lift) and I was struggling a lot with the 'my life sucks AND I'm fat and just making myself fat' type thoughts on the way there, and just felt really grumpy and irritable in general, however, when I got there it was actually ok. It was the first time I'd been out in the evening for, well, for a very long time. I really appreciated the beautiful sunset. I chatted to people, and we shared our memories.

I accepted a lift home, and actually made it back in time for night snack. I initially thought about trying something different, but then I actually kind of just fancied my usual hot chocolate. I started to prepare it myself, but landlord ex came downstairs and took over. I suppose me actually having the initiative and doing it myself is another huge mark of progress. In the early days I used to secretly hope he'd forgotten, purely so I didn't have to do it! Now I couldn't imagine not doing it!

Thursday: unite meeting.

On Thursday I had a meeting to go to. In the morning I had epic pancakes again. This time round I used my new collective vanilla bean yoghurt. I did get a little worried about it, as I read the ingredients after I bought it. I generally do before, but Waitrose was full of ditherers, and so I was already edgy and anxious and so I just grabbed it without giving it too much thought. It was only when I had a proper look at the carton that I spotted it contained honey.

I've mentioned before that I'm a long term honey hater. I honestly cannot stand the stuff and have never liked it, and can even taste it in things, so I worried about the usual not liking it/ wasting calories thing. However, I decided to take the plunge and have some.

Verdict? It was amazing, and I liked it way more than the Russian fudge and will be certainly getting it again. I'm also keen to try more of the range now. I've always preferred Vanilla/ fruit flavours when it comes to yoghurt anyway.

 

Epic pancakes. I used my 'essentials' Black Forest fruits which I nuked for a couple of minutes in the microwave to top it, along with maple syrup and crushed amaretti and it was pretty awesome I must say. When I get round to it I must have a go at making my own. However I still have too much head anxiety about making my own pancakes, and the waitrose ones are really good which is why I've been having them.

Ugh, I hate it when people say to me, 'these are soooo easy to make yourself.' It's like, yeah, I know! Trust me, I don't avoid making things because of the difficulty level... people are stupid though...

For lunch I had to get to my meeting at one and so needed to eat something quick so I'd be out the door in time, and so I defrosted some of my pea and mint soup and a pitta fail.

I did have a panic about the soup being 'too much' caloriewise, so I ended up pouring a bit of it away and weighing and reweighing it, which isn't great I know... Still I ate it. It's funny, but it was one of the first things I made when I started cooking from scratch after my long hiatus and I can really see how far I've come along in terms of cooking and stuff. It did strike me as being very basic and a little underseasoned, and I probably would jazz it up a lot more if I made it now. Still, it was a nice soup!

Also was ok with eating my pitta fail. It was funny, because I could actually taste where it had gone wrong, if that makes any sense. It was both undercooked and under kneaded as I'd done it in a rush, however I did actually really enjoy it all the same! I had it with butter and marmite and it was really good. I know the next lot will be way better and as I said, I'm actually pretty unphased!

I walked to the meeting. I was late as being the genius I am, I forgot my wallet and had planned on doing a shop on the way home, which meant I had to run back for it, which put me in a bad mood. However, it wasn't actually the huge catastrophy it would have been a few weeks ago, and a few months ago I probably wouldn't have made the meeting at all. Cognitively I was also a lot better, as I was able to follow conversations properly and had more of an idea of what was happening, and was quite chatty and had points to make. Again a huge improvement.

I went to sainsburys for a few bits and pieces. I didn't bother to pick up anything for my afternoon snack, figuring I'd just have a magnum or something as it was a nice sunny day and optimum magnum weather.

 

Blossom on my walk home.

However, it turns out that landlord ex had gone to sainsburys anyway, and had picked up a couple of tarts, a strawberry and a multifruit. I opted for the multifruit and sat eating it in the sun and it was just really good! It wasn't long ago that I would have freaked about landlord ex buying stuff I hadn't 'planned' for, but now I just really like it and get excited when he buys me things I like!

I did pick up some ricotta and my favourite shroom tortellini, and I figured it was a day for safe comfort options, and I had epic lubed up mushroom tortellini with spinach and ricotta and many peppers for tea! It was most excellent!

Friday: new old thing. Quiche!

Breakfast was epic porridge! I don't really have porridge that often these days as I've mentioned before I was starting to get a little bored of it, and they were becoming increasingly stupid, faffy and ridiculous (not that that's necessarily a bad thing.) However, it was a cold morning, and I was in a porridge kind of mood, and I'd picked up more frozen fruit the day before, so I had epic porridge. I used my raspberry ripple whittards hot chocolate, some frozen blueberries and strawberries, crushed amaretti (as you've probably gathered, I do just have them with everything! Haha!) a broken up choco liebniz, some dried apricots and strawberries, and a little maple syrup and it was epic and glorious beyond belief!

I actually met my dietician goal, well sort of! I did have a sandwich for lunch, although it was one I've had before in the recent past! I realised it had been over a month since I'd had one of my beloved cheese topped rolls, so I obviously needed to rectify that! I had to go to the post office in the morning to post some eBay things I'd sold, so I went and did that, and swung by sainsburys on the way home for various lunch things. I also picked up yet another epic choux bun!

I had it with facon, portobello mushrooms and spicy barbecue sauce, with various incinerated vegetables and salads bits as standard.

 

Slightly blurry photo. I was in a rush to eat my facon! Haha!

Unfortunately it wasn't as nice as it could have been, as I massively failed to drain the mushrooms properly and so they made the bread all soggy and I hate soggy bread. Still, not all the bread was soggy, and it was still nice and everything! I just felt I could have done it better. It didn't bother me as much as it once would have though!

I also managed to have my higgedy pie. The packet said a quarter so I had a quarter. Yeah I know packet servings aren't to be trusted, but at the same time, me going on packet servings is a huge improvement on me going on my own servings!

 

Quiche preovening. Always thought that they looked very pretty.

Now quiche is a weird one for me. It was one of those foods I had convinced myself I hated, however it's yet another one of the lies I've told myself... I dislike those horrible cold cheese and onion quiches you tend to find at buffets (and to be honest most buffet foods! I do spend most my time poking and prodding all the things looking for the hidden bits of ham which seem to be in everything... I usually just eat the bread as it's the one safe thing!) However I do actually like quiche, and I love higgidy pies, but I don't eat them because I'm scared of them...

As it was crustless, I realised I needed to carb it up. Now that day I was having one of my huge stresses about kcal and being very neurotic in general. I was going to have it with new potatoes, as they're relatively 'safe.' However, I didn't actually want new potatoes, I wanted chips. I did spend way too long trying to select the three smallest new potatoes over the course of the afternoon, then I had a moment of 'what the fuck am I actually doing' and pulled out the sweet potato and cut off a few slices and made my paprikery oven chips.

 

I did start hating on myself for accidentally buying a crustless quiche which required the adding of a carb portion, when I could have had a quiche with crust and not had to have an extra carb portion and saved on calories, but at the same time I did enjoy the meal, even though I spent a lot of the evening worrying about eating too much and being fat and greedy.

I have made quiches in the past obviously, but it's been years since I've made one, but it may be my next project as I both love pastry and making pastry! I am still a bit scared of quiche, but it's one I do want to work on, as quiche is life!

Saturday: getting better...

I still had my beloved cheese topped rolls so I decided to have my favourite all time breakfast of an egg and facon banjo, with shrooms and spicy barbecue sauce.

Learning from my experience from last time, I put the facon in before the shrooms as well as making sure I'd drained them properly first. I also used a bit of butter too, to protect the bread (as well as add some extra tasty goodness!)

 

Truly the food of Gods!

It worked far better! No grey soggy bread! Yey!

I didn't think the cheese topped rolls were as nice as the last lot, as I don't feel they were cooked right, they seemed a little underdone and were 'squishier' than usual. In the past that would have really really (and I mean really!) bothered me. However this time round, I was able to actually think rationally. I still really enjoyed my roll, the last lot were really nice and the next lot will probably be really nice too. My breakfast was still all manner of epic and incredible. Plus cheese topped rolls are still the greatest thing ever!

I spent the morning looking up quiche recipes, but they all seemed overwhelming and scary calorie wise.

I had another piece of the higgidy pie for lunch. This time I had it with chips, and I did spend a long time selecting the two smallest potatoes like a normal person...

 

I was actually shaking a lot during the food prep. In general that side of things has got a lot better, but I still have moments...

The pie was a tad overdone, but I didn't feel it impaired the flavour or anything! I also did incidentally accidentally oversalt the chips, however I kind of liked them like that. That's the thing, there's part of me that's wondering if my weird salt cravings are me just really liking salt? I don't know... I'm really not sure. However they have been a lot better over the last few days. I'm thinking far less about eating spoonfuls of salt and that.

I ended up going out for a walk as it was a nice day and I was feeling a little agitated at home and thought I could do with breaking the day up a little. Landlord ex had been to sainsburys and had got another couple of tarts, so I had one to come home to.

 

I sat in the afternoon sun and had my tart and it was just really nice!

As it was Saturday, that meant it was pizza night. I defrosted some of my dough the night before, and rolled it out that evening. It didn't need too much kneading thankfully as it was miles better than the last lot I'd made.

I made spinach and ricotta again, as I'm still a bit too scared of pesto to do a pesto pizza. I'd picked up some baby plum tomatoes from Morrisons on the way home which I topped the pizza with.

 

I did accidentally over spinach it. I did only use one blob of frozen (27g) so I'm not entirely sure what happened there! I had it served with way too many vegetables and way too much salad! Haha!

I actually felt it was cooked for the right amount of time though, aside from being slightly soggy in the middle from over topping, but meh! Nearly perfect! I also don't feel it's my best dough, as weirdly enough, I feel the impossible to roll dough was nicer! Haha! Still, it was very nice, and I do love my own pizza! One day I will find the balance and get my dough bang on.

I felt much better and more relaxed in the evening, but it was another day where my fat was around 80g... It's funny, I always feel better on high fat days, I seem to need it.

Sunday: continental Sunday, and compulsory cheese doseage.

Sunday morning was really tough. My weight has been around 41kg for the last two weeks, so I'm guessing it's here to stay, and that was surprisingly difficult. Thoughts of relapse were strong, not that relapses are things people 'plan', I've never consciously planned a relapse. I've always been the 'I'll just lose 5lbs to feel more comfortable' type of person (who obviously never stops at 5...)

But yeah, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the morning doing sums and working about where I could cut bits out in my diet to lose weight...

However I still did continental Sunday, despite the feelings, even though I was feeling like a massive pig all through the food prep.

 

Not my best, as the dough wasn't rolling out so good, but still tasted good!

I had one of my 'why the hell am I not doing it' moments, and made some basic shortcrust pastry, using the last of my butter, and plain flour.

 

After all, pre-anorexia Agnes loved pastry, and current Agnes loves pastry, but I haven't made it in years because I'm scared of it. Still, I know I need to start challenging myself a little more.

I went off to my meeting, and incidentally I thought the sign in the toilets was pretty apt!

 

I've said before that my anorexia is nothing to do with appearance, and I also don't have body dysmorphia, but at the same time society really doesn't help! So yeah, I did like the sign!

I met landlord ex for lunch for my fortnightly cheese doseage, as is becoming our tradition. This time is wasn't as cheesy, but they'd used good cheddar and there were actual chunks of really strong cheddar running through it. It was seasoned really nicely, and the chips had a load of rock salt on them which I really liked.

I got a major cheese high and felt very happy! Haha!

I was going to sainsburys, and landlord ex said he wanted a 'cheap tart!' as it was a Sunday, when they generally majorly reduce their patisserie stock as they're trying to shift it. Landlord ex told me he was talking to one of the guys behind the counter, and apparently they're not actually allowed to take old stock home. They have to just throw it out, which seems a bit off really... My issues with food waste extend beyond myself, and I hate that so many supermarkets throw out food when so many people are starving in this country. I did actually have a friend that was fired for 'eating a sandwich.' It was stock that she had been instructed to throw out, and it had also been a long shift and she was hungry and had been unable to take a break.

Well I wanted one of those raspberry and lemon ones, but they were out. I spotted a couple of choux buns, but they were the sorry looking, end of the week variety and I didn't fancy those, so instead I picked up another couple of the multifruit tarts. I had mine when I got in, and it was delicious as usual!

For tea I had a quorn cottage pie. If I'm honest I was feeling major guilt over it as it was oven food and I felt lazy and I felt that I should be having something homemade. I also had a beaten egg that needed using, but I couldn't face doing an omelette...

 

Before dishing up. As usual it was served with way too many vegetables! Haha! I did feel a lot better after it, physically. I don't really like many ready meals, but I have an odd fondness for quorn cottage pies, they're kind of a comfort thing. Physically I do always feel better after eating them too, so God knows what they have in them that perks me up, but hey! It works!

I did spend a disproportionately long time in the evening getting stressed about the shortcrust pastry and worrying about it, and how I was going to have it, and coming up with many good 'reasons' why I couldn't eat quiche...

Monday: burgers... again!

For breakfast I had an egg and facon banjo (with shrooms and my beloved spicy barbecue sauce of course!) This time round everything was done to perfection. I've always flipped fried eggs as I've always hated runny eggs as it reminds me of snot (I also super hard boil eggs so they're practically bullets... its the way I like em! Ok! My mum thinks I'm weird, but my dad also has them like that, and I think people who like snot eggs are weirder!) I also got the roll with all the cheese, and it was damn good (despite it's doughy- squishiness!)

I had a weird moment in the morning when I was eating my usual morning snack of an apple. I had bought the apples the day before and it was just really nice. The thing that hit me is that I denied myself apples for three years, because they had some sort of Agnes magical make fat powers, but now I can eat apples and I really like them, which is a sign of progress, and yet at the same time I still count the apple calories and am very mindful of them too...

 

It's funny, the apple in a way was both a symbol of how far I've come, yet how far I have to go too... most people just mindlessly eat apples, without weighing or counting them, yet I do both...

I do tend to go through phases with apples, and as they don't usually go bad I tend to have apples in that have been sat there for months, they're still good, but quite often the skin is a little more soft and squishy. However this apple was just really nice, and perfectly crisp, and was just generally good eating!

I had to go to the post office in the morning, as I'd sold a load of things on eBay, and I popped into barnitts when I was there and bought a flan dish, and a couple of mini tart dishes too, for if I felt brave enough to make the quiche.

I didn't as it happens, however I still had that egg to use up, so in the afternoon (after lunching on epic tortellini) I made some new burgers, using one of the recipes from Jack's book, her 'smoky Lentil burgers.' The mixture did seem a little gloopy, so I decided to have one of my spinach and chickpea burgers instead and left the mixture to chill overnight. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I did panic add some breadcrumbs in the middle of the night...

Food issues.

So this week a few recurring issues have cropped up. There's my tendency to chop bits out of meals, purely to save calories and make them fit. I've been awful with potatoes for that. In general I've been weighing things more obsessively and I'm way more neurotic about things that I was doing a lot better with. I've said before that I'm generally ok until I see 'weight gain' (real or imagined) and I start to cut back again...

I still want to get that cheese and mushroom pasty but I can't because in my head I'm 'too fat.' There are so many things I keep on avoiding...

I've also got overly fixated on macros again, and found myself getting overly worried about the fat thing on Monday. Myfitnesspal really doesn't help matters...

 

The fuck MFP???! Yes, an extra couple of sweetcorn kernels is really going to make aaall the difference to my weight. As you can see, I am still meticulously tracking absolutely everything...

I'm aware I will have to meticulously track calories for way longer than I feel comfortable with. However I never really got fixated on macros until I started eating better (I've always cared more about actual calories than where they're from.)

Last week's goals and how I've got on.

1. The usual, stick to structure, focus on each meal as a separate entity rather than running a constant tally and push for increases.

I think, despite the way I'm feeling I've actually done really well with this one. There has been a bit of random removing bits from meals to make them fit, but on the whole I've actually been doing a lot better.

2. Order more of what I actually want when out (like that damn mocha!) rather than going for safe options all the time.

There hasn't really been any of that this week. Obviously I did have my fortnightly cheese doseage, but that's part of my routine and relatively safe.

3. I have couple of things on in the evening next week, which will interfere with my structure and food timings, so basically plan around them, and incorporate my routine and structure into actually doing shit!

I managed to go to my late friend's memorial and I worked my structure around it. That was a pretty big step. Structurally the York feminist network meetings have been working out too.

4. To make something completely new, rather than just making burgers all the time!

Well, I did make that shortcrust pastry, and I need to stop being such a wuss and actually use it!

5. To break a little from the same five or so 'safe meals' I have for lunch and tea (pizza, burger and chips, curry/ daal and chips, omelette and crackers, tortellini...) and try something completely new.

Well I did have quiche, which was different, even though it was totally over vegetabled! Haha!

6. To actually make a list of 'fears' and stuff I'm avoiding and try and tackle a few...

I haven't really done that, but as I said, I need to work on the pastry!

7. Related to above. Carry on eating scary things, rather than crossing them off when I've done them (I've actually been really good at that one! Aside from couscous...)

Well, I'm still eating peppers! Potatoes and eggs are part of the norm now, and I keep eating them so I don't have a 'thing' about them.

8. To actively challenge a few more 'likes' and 'dislikes.'

I did quiche, which I swore blind I didn't like! I also had some yoghurt flavoured with honey, which again I don't like, however the yoghurt was nice.

Reflections and shit.

So yeah, I have basically written down all I've eaten this week. I haven't skipped a single meal or snack slot. Obviously I haven't mentioned my evening snack, as it's always a cookie and hot chocolate, made by landlord ex and for morning snack I usually have an apple or biscuit, and I'm aware that's kind of boring, so most the time I don't even bother to mention it.

This was surprisingly hard to to, part of me worries that I eat too much, and then I wonder if I don't eat enough...

It's funny, I didn't even need to check on myfitnesspal because I could very easily reel off all I've eaten in a week because I am very very aware of everything I put in my mouth (teehee! Sorry!) and I have been for years. I've mentioned before several times that back in my bulimic days I meticulously counted all my binges too (and could always remember what, and how much, I'd binged on when I was logging it all and doing the sums.)

I'd like to be the girl that eats like a beast again. Right now I eat like a mouse. I eat far more than I did, but I'm aware that I also don't eat an awful lot. I know pre anorexia Agnes loved all manner of fried food, pastry, cheese and oil, and this one does eat those things a little, but I'm still terrified of them too, and at this stage it's more annoying.

It's also a weird feeling when you're thinking about when you last ate a certain thing and it's actually been years, not weeks or months since you've had said food.

I did have another moment this morning when I weighed, and it's a little up. A few months ago I would have been inconsolable and super compensated for it, but these days it no longer feels like an option. I got up and had what I wanted for breakfast. I will probably carry on as normal today. I do have thoughts of weight loss, and find myself planning it, and I've had so many moments this week where I've sat doing calculations and have been working out where I can cut things out and how fast I can lose the weight again, but I also feel it's really not worth it. All my memories of last year are mainly crap, and right now I'm, in general, the happiest I've been in years.

I don't like 'making myself fat', however I like more that I can go out for cake or macaroni cheese with landlord ex and it's not a huge deal. I can't imagine skipping a meal now. I am struggling, but right now the pros far outweigh the cons.

Next week's goals.

1. Lay off the vegetables a little and try and get the carb portion bigger! This is going to be a really tough one I think.
2. Try and make something completely new. Maybe do my own quiche? I need to use that damn pastry!
3. To stop chopping bits out of meals to make them fit numbers and instead work on proper portion sizes. I'm a lot better, but still do catch myself doing stupid things, like spending an hour obsessively weighing individual potatoes and doing sums...
4. The standard keeping to structure, and focusing on each meal as a separate entity rather than having a constant running total going through my head. It's just stupid and exhausting at this stage!
5. As it'll be Easter next week and I'll be at my folks, let someone cook for me (it's been a very long time since I've eaten a proper meal cooked by someone else.)
6. Be a little more relaxed about food and intake while away.

So onwards!

Saturday, 8 April 2017

'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!'

 

The title has no relevance to this post by the way, I just really like the poem.

It's one of the one occurrences where I'm actually more familiar with the works and life of the poets wife than I am of the man, which is a nice rarity. It's a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley, who was of course the husband of Mary Shelley, author of Frankenstein (a book I happen to know very well, and I studied it for A level too!) and the daughter of Mary Wollstonecraft.

Apparently he wrote it in a competition with a friend, and it's funny seeing both the poems side by side. In many ways they're identical, and it looks like one is the second draft of the other, and yet Shelley's is just so much better!

I like the gothic undertones, and I love that line.

But anyway, I seem to be reading a lot of poetry at the moment. For someone who claims to hate poetry I do read a lot of it. It's funny, I did literature as part of my degree, and it's only been very recently that I've actually been able to read again. Having to analyse every minute detail of a text does rather suck the enjoyment out of it somewhat.

I've been struggling a lot this week because in general I have been feeling really depressed, and I can't really work out why or what about. I suppose I feel annoyed with myself for eating because I don't understand why or why I am or why I should (yes, I know the logical reason why obviously, but has anorexia ever been known for logic? Haha!) It's times like this I struggle the most, because when I initially started eating more it made more sense. I kind of had to, and I knew that it was a choice between me doing it myself, or being forced to at hospital, where they probably wouldn't be nice to me, where I'd be stuck with a load of other sick women (potential bitchiness and competition.) But now I keep lapsing into the whole 'my life is shit anyway so why am I making myself fat' way of thinking. The one thing, and in some ways the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I'm still able to remember what life was like when I did give into the thoughts and I was losing weight.

I'm also still struggling with those weird feelings of 'failure' when I compare myself to other anorexics. I feel 'weak' for liking food, and following my meal plan, even though again I know I'm thinking about it in completely the wrong way.

I'm actually struggling a lot in the evenings again at the moment too. In the past however, it was because I was starving, and I'd usually eaten my entires day intake by about two or three, but this time round it's more boredom and frustration. I've said that I seem to have 'sped up' mentally, if that makes any sense. Tasks that once took me all day now take minutes, and I'm actually finding myself with a shortage of things to do. The upside of that is at least my house is spotless! Haha! Well aside from the top of the cooker which I still haven't got round to cleaning...

I was still in a bad mood and in lots of pain on Thursday, however I did have my unite meeting. In the past the pain would have stopped me from attending, but I am a lot stronger mentally and physically these days, so I showered, did my hair all nice, wore a pretty dress, had my lunch early and bombed down to the meeting. It didn't help that I'd left my wallet at home which I realised when I got to Gillygate, which meant I had to leg it home and was late, which didn't help with my general rubbishy mood.

Still, I made it in the end. Like the Feminist Network meeting, I noticed improvements in myself again. It's funny, as these are monthly meetings, I do actually more noticeably see progress from month to month. I was talking more, had ideas, was more assertive, could concentrate better and felt a lot less tired...

I even felt annoyed at C for the fact that he was doing my jobs, even though he was only doing them because I'd actually asked him to months ago... I keep reminding myself that I said BMI 16, but me actually wanting to do stuff is a huge step!

I did wander home in the sun.

 

I also had a fruit tart landlord ex bought for me waiting when I got in, that's another mark of progress. No panicking over 'unplanned' kcal, but it happened to be snack time, and thankfully I didn't have to come up with a snack as he'd already done it!

I have been feeling a little chirpier today. I had one of my beloved egg banjos for breakfast this morning which seemed to perk me up a lot, both physically and mentally. I probably haven't been getting enough protein, again! I do suck at protein...

I have been struggling with being all over the place again today and feeling very unproductive. In the end I went out, as it was a lovely day. I did struggle to stop walking though. The thing is, I like walking, and I love walking in the sun. Unfortunately I do have a lot of eating disordery moral issues tied in with walking too. I have this idea that I need to 'earn' my food and I do find myself thinking about burning calories and getting excited by all the calories I'm burning through my walking. I managed to make myself stop after an hour. Unfortuntely I still can't get my head round fuelling for it, but I guess that's a conversation I'll need to have with my care coordinator at some point...

 

Dandelions from my walk. I actually really like dandelions. They're yellow, which is a happy colour, and I like the fact they grow really easily and are a bugger to get rid of! I suppose I'm very admiring of their determination to live!

Incidentally, as a kid I was terrified of dandelions because apparently they make you wet the bed, and I was too scared to touch them because I thought that it would happen to me. I remember thinking my best friend at the time was very brave for making a dandelion chain once! I was a strange kid...

I'm still struggling a lot if I think too hard about things. Right now I'm very preoccupied with the future, and fearful of it. I have moments of nostalgia still but they've been overridden by this new future anxiety.

I know I have to be in the present, but at the moment, my present is me fixing myself, and mainly revolves around my meal plan, which has now got kind of boring. So yeah...

Still, I've been pretty productive lately. I'm still struggling to relax. I know I do very much have the whole Protestant work ethic thing going for me, which isn't always good for me. I was always brought up being told by my mother, 'duty before pleasure', a mantra I still very much live by, however it means more that you should get all your work done before you enjoy yourself, whereas with me it's all work, work, work and being busy, and I've never been able to relax without feeling fat, lazy and incredibly guilty. It's funny, but I had no problem when I had to admit defeat and accept what I physical wreck I was in November, and I did spend days in bed watching films, but now I struggle to justify it because I have energy now, and I just feel lazy. Even though I'm tired and in pain I still have energy, and I feel like I have to 'spend' it wisely, even though the reality is that it's hugely inefficient.

So yeah. I probably should work on it or something.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

'You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.'

 

I have mentioned that I do read my old blog entries from time to time. Most of the time I do get major cringe, from time to time I do wonder about deleting a lot of it, but at the same time I keep repeating the point I made about not erasing the past.

A lot of the time, people in 'recovery' get the whole 'throw out your old clothes, scales, food diaries, delete old pictures...' etc, but to me that feels wrong somehow. I don't feel it's a disordered thing for me anyway, but more me feeling the importance of not erasing my own past. The girl from last year is dead, but at the same time I don't want to discount her experiences. It led me to where I am today and becoming this person. Obviously if I ever get weight restored, I will probably get rid of the tiny clothes, but more in terms of not having the space to store them and as a decluttering thing rather than a 'just in case' thing, and I probably will hold on to a couple of things that have sentimental value because I'm like that (well unless I start trying them on and using them as a stick to beat myself with, then obviously they'll have to go...) Anyway, as usual I'm rambling.

I did get curious as to where I was, mentally, this time last year, and had a read of a few of my past posts. However, it was a struggle. At the time I knew I was ill, and I was actively trying to lose weight, yet was in complete denial about it at the same time if that makes sense. I kept finding ways to justify it and justify my behaviour. The usual 'well I'm not losing that much weight', 'I'm not that underweight' and so on. It was the time I decided I was going to lose 5lbs 'just so I felt more comfortable.' Then 20lbs on... Well, yeah!

It also amazed me how horrible soldier ex actually was to me (and amazes me even more that I let him!) I suppose I just go back to what Bella said about it basically being the opposite of 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' thing. Sometimes you don't realise how awful something is until it's gone too!

Another thing that struck me was how ill I looked in the old photos of me from last year. I just look pale and drawn and tired, and that was when I was a stone heavier...

My energy came back last week, and was back with a vengeance, and once again I found it hard to just stop, and reflect, and relax.

I suppose I've always been this way really. I've never been able to take a break, because with the way I work, my 'taking a break' meant I would spent two hours having a fag and quick cup of coffee and then completely giving up on the task altogether, because I'd lost momentum. I've always found that if I started something, I'd have to keep going, and going and going, until either the task was complete or I'd worked myself into exhaustion, but I'm aware that not the healthiest attitude to have, in fact it's probably incredibly unhealthy!

I do struggle to relax, and I suppose my weird 'moral' issues come into play too, because I feel that when I'm well, I need to be making the most of my energy and 'spending' it as productively as possible, although I am aware that that's more than a little disordered of me.

It's funny, I spent months on end not moving, glued to that chair in my living room, and now I'm finding I'm actually having to force myself to stop and make myself sit in my chair and take a break.

But anyway, over the last few days I've been incredibly busy. I've been actually having that clear out I've spent the last couple of years not having, I've been cleaning, sorting things round the house, cooking, keeping things organised, I even did my ironing for the first time in a year on Sunday. I also got round to doing the eBay listings I've been struggling to do, but again I didn't stop there. I kept going. I found that tasks that used to take me all day took minutes, and I was beginning to actually find a shortage of things to do.

Of course, with my highs, I always get crashes, and I was starting to flag a little on Monday. My body decided spontaneously to give me all the pain. I still wanted to keep going, and I'd already planned on going out with landlord ex. I already mentioned it in my last eats report, but we were planning on either doing lunch or cheesecake. Landlord ex took a while to get going that day, and as I'd already looked at café concertos menu and had come up with perfectly good 'reasons' why all of the lunch options were unacceptable and I 'couldn't eat them' because I 'might not like them' and would 'waste calories', cake seemed like the better option.

Landlord ex had to go to the post office, and I had to go and buy new earphones, as my skullcandy ones have finally decided to break on me. I was using some crappy old apple ones, but they were driving me mad, and I wanted some better ones, so it was a my style emergency! Haha!

 

York minster. It's just minutes from my house, I do live in a pretty city!

I went to HMV and bought my earphones, I actually got a pretty pair!

 

I have no idea why I insist on them being skullcandy, after all, there are plenty of other brands out there as good (and often) better quality, but back when I was a student, everyone was obsessed with them, and I am a creature of habit, even if the rest of the world has long moved on.

I browsed the DVD racks for a while as I had time to kill, and I spotted the complete collection of futurama for only £25!

 

I did my best to resist, but in the end I felt I couldn't knock a bargain like that, plus it'll only be so long before I'm bored of the Simpsons and need a shake up of routine!

 

I was a little early so I sat in the sun. It was nice until it got a little windy. To start with I found the wind refreshing, but then it soon stopped being refreshing and started just being plain irratating!

Anyway, the cheesecake went well! I did have the feelings a little on the walk home, but my enjoyment of the cheesecake overrid them.

I did want to go to a people's assembly meeting in the evening, but in the end I had to cancel, as I was too ill, and that kind of pissed me off. It's hard when I want to be doing more and my body is all like 'nope' and I know the answer is more food, but that too is kind of hard.

I suppose I've been feeling lately that my life is still very dull and empty, I mean I'm still not able to do much, and going out for cheesecake and buying earphones and a DVD was the most exciting thing that happened to me! Oh yeah and going to Waitrose... Now that was an exciting day! Haha!

I've mentioned already that with the way my cognitive functions are improving, I'm starting to get to the stage where I am actually beginning to feel bored again, and with the weird energy, when I have it, I want to use it all. I make loads and loads of plans, and take on commitments (and yes, I have been doing it, and yes, I know I did say BMI 16...) and then I'm suddenly finding I have to cancel them when I crash, which is incredibly frustrating, and I suppose that's why I said BMI 16 in the first place...

Then all that gives me an excuse to beat myself up, my specialty it seems...

I am worried about no longer living with landlord ex and being alone, because at least now I have someone to talk to, whereas alone I might not have that, and yeah, that side of things is tough too.

I'm also very aware that I'm currently at the point where I always traditionally relapse, without fail.

Basically my pattern over the last three years is I rapidly drop weight, I panic, eat a little better and gain a little back, freak out and restrict again, and lose weight...

I have been asked by many people what prompted me to change. My honest answer is and was that I'd got to a point where I no longer knew where I was going with any of this, and I was starting to have that horrifying realisation that this could be my life. I was little more than a career anorexic. I didn't want my life to continue the way it has over the last six years.

Recovery for me isn't a choice. Recovery for no one is a choice, just like anorexia isn't a choice. Basically I had three options.

a) Try and gain weight, learn to eat properly, do my best to get better.
b) Continue the way I was, and spend my life in and out of hospital, repeatedly gaining and losing the same four stone.
c) Death.

I'm doing my best to do option a)...

I've been struggling a lot with my weight this week, and feeling fat and greedy, and that I'm losing control. I eat because I like food, and then I get angry for liking food and being 'weak.'

I've also been feeling increasingly frustrated. I mentioned I was flagging on Monday, well, it's got worse over the last few days, and I feel groggy and grouchy and have been in colossal amounts of pain, and it makes me angry because it sometimes feels unfair. I'm all like, 'body! What the fuck! I'm feeding you better and looking after you! Why are you being a dick?' However, I suppose if you consistently treat your body like shit, it'll repay you in kind. I've been told that when you heavily restrict, you end up suppressing your immune system, and it's not uncommon for people to find themselves getting more ill during refeeding.

I admit I did get very low today, I saw my dietician and that went well, although I didn't meet my targets, she's happy with the progress I have made, although she feels I could be gaining and increasing faster and all that. I've also been challenged to try and have a sandwich for a meal.

Exercise also came up, and apparently I need an extra 500kcal a day if I'm going to be walking the way I am. I was actually surprised as in my head walking isn't exercise, and I'm kind of surprised it's so much! I must admit that 'she's tricking me into becoming fat' may have crossed my mind a few times during the appointment.

I did go to sainsburys afterwards and pick up another epic choux bun of win, which I had for my afternoon snack, I had one the day before too. It's funny, I care about 'being fat', but at the same time I'd rather have the choux bun and 'be fat' than go without it. Then I worry about being greedy, and people reading this judging me for being greedy... Then I realise that I'm just judging myself for being a failure and projecting my judging of myself on to other people...

I'm still really struggling with my thoughts and beliefs. It kind of sucks that I have no therapy and I'm having to do this shit alone (it's not that I've chosen to have no therapy by the way, more that the help isn't there. I have a dietician and a care coordinator and once in a blue moon I might get to see a psychiatrist if I'm lucky...) For me it's not actually about the weight I'm at, it's more about losing weight. I see weight loss as success and any kind of gain as 'failure.' I tried to go back to Instagram but I had to swiftly log out again after a couple of days. The problem is I follow a load of ED accounts on there, and I've realised that lately I'm massively falling into the comparison trap. Every time I see someone struggling, or losing weight, I beat myself up for being 'weak' and a 'failure.' I know how fucked up that sounds, I mean, I know logically I don't want to be the best anorexic, that I don't have weight to lose any more, that I always went along with these thoughts in the past and that's what messed my life up so comprehensively and starving myself more is not going to solve anything.

It's my mantra,

'Anorexia does not solve the problems caused by anorexia.'

Anyway, I'm back off Instagram, until I can sort my messed up head a bit. I also might need to do a mass unfollow, which I feel awful about, but then it's not them, it's me, and I'm no good to anyone if I'm dead.

I managed to do an evening thing today though! I mentioned I had a friend die at the end of last year. Well anyway, we had a memorial for her. I nearly didn't go, because of the crap energy, and the fact I'm in a load of pain at the moment. However, in the end I forced myself to go. I made myself an omelette for tea. The omelette fell apart as I had to rush it, but I didn't actually care because being at the thing on time was more important than the omelette.

It was a highly disorganised affair! We meant it to fall on her birthday but we got the date wrong, and half the people got the wrong time because C fucked up... Our candles also blew out a lot, but still it was nice. The sunset was beautiful, and we shared our memories of our friend down by the river.

I really wouldn't have been able to do any of that a few months ago, hell, even a few weeks ago! I was in pain, tired, felt fat and all that, but I pushed past all that shit, because remembering my friend meant way more to be than any of that anorexic bullshit.

I even had my evening snack when I got in, purely because I wanted it, not because I had to have it.

It's happening slowly, but it's happening.

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Recipe Wednesday: Peanut Butter and lotus spread blondies

 

Well, I admit I've been a little crap at the whole recipe Wednesday thing. I suppose it's because my perfectionism has started to be an issue again. However, I decided to bite the bullet and actually just publish a few recipes anyway. I mean, I like my own food. Not everyone is going to like my food and not everyone likes everything. Plus my recipes are generally pretty adaptable, so if you don't like something in it, you can very easily replace it with something you do like. Recipes aren't set in stone, but more guidelines!

Hell, you don't even need to make any of this stuff in the first place!

Anyway, this was one of those recipes that came about entirely by accident. I'd found a recipe for peanut butter blondies, and I had some weird impulse to bake one morning. The advantage of being me is I'm never generally more than five minutes away from a cake, as I am an enthusiastic baker and generally tend to have the ingredients knocking about. I assumed I had peanut butter in, but as it turns out I didn't, so I had to improvise last minute and use some lotus spread too (yes, 'binge spread!' Haha!)

Landlord ex called them, 'the best thing you've ever made, ever!' but make them and judge for yourself!

Ingredients:

 

100g peanut butter (I used pip & nut crunchy maple.)
30g lotus spread (I used smooth, but either'll do!)
75g butter, softened and cut into cubes (you don't need to, it just makes the whole mixing side of things far easier and you're not making a rod for your own back!)
125g caster sugar
110g light brown soft sugar
2 eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
125g plain flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
50g dark chocolate, chopped
50g raisins *

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180 C and grease and line a 20cm square baking tin. Cover the raisins in boiling water and leave to soak for 10 minutes. (This step isn't entirely necessary, I just finds it stops them for going all nasty and dry in the baking process.)

2. In a medium bowl, cream together the peanut butter, lotus spread and butter. Gradually blend in sugars, eggs and vanilla and mix until fluffy. I've always made brownies and blondies by hand for some reason, but you can use a mixer, I won't judge you... much! I actually did last time, so if anything I'm judging myself!

3. Sift together flour, baking powder and salt. Fold into the wet mixture a bit at a time until combined. Fold in the chocolate and raisins.

4. Spoon into the tin you hopefully prepared earlier (it's the one stage I always seem to forget, meaning I'm hysterically running round my kitchen weilding greaseproof paper last minute like a mad person!) Smooth the top and pop into the (hopefully preheated) oven!

 

5. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes in preheated oven. With brownies and blondies I tend to do the 'wobble test.' Basically I take the tin out of the oven and give it a shake. If they 'wobble' they need an extra few minutes, if they don't, you're good to go!

 

6. Leave to cool in the tin, and cut into 16 squares.


Can confirm they are delicious oven fresh. You see I had to test some for science or something.

Keeps in an airtight tin for a week... if they last that long!

* The raisins and chocolates can be subbed for whatever you want (sweets/ other dried fruit/ chopped nuts etc. I keep meaning to make them with chocolate raisins, as chocolate raisins are indeed life!)