Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Growing pains...

 

So yeah, it's been two weeks and a bit since I decided to take a bit of space from the whole online thing, and I suppose it's done me good. I did feel I was anxiously checking and rechecking my phone all the time, and to be honest, part of me wonders how much of my obsessive taking pretty pictures was Instagram related.

I do like taking pretty pictures, don't get me wrong, but with me, there's a fine line between wanting to just take a good picture, and being finnicky and over-obsessive. I have never learnt balance with anything and if there's a way of going overboard with a thing, you can guarantee I'll go overboard with a thing. With me I've always alternated between all consumed or completely disinterested. Being 'mildly interested' in a thing is something other people do...

I also kind of want to take a step away from the whole online side of things in general and focus more on my real life (well lack of!) The majority of my interaction with people online has been positive, and I've made some good friends over the last few years. I suppose the events of a couple of weeks ago made me realise there's part of me that's not comfortable with putting so much of myself out there, and I do want to be a little more private in general. I even feel a little awkward posting on Facebook. I think it's important that I keep writing, mainly for the promise I made to past me, that I'm never going to forget that time, because I really can't, and shouldn't. Life was always shit back then, whereas now I do have my moments, but life is generally better. I guess I do spent a lot less time online now too because I feel I really can't be arsed with being so introspective, and also most the time I actually feel ok.

The stuff I do struggle with, unrelated to food and weight, I kind of prefer to keep to myself. I don't really want to splurge it out over this blog really, because it's my business, and my problem, and my stuff alone to sort out. Mostly relationshippy things, and it's tough.

I'm struggling a lot with nostalgia at the moment, and not in a good way. I'm someone who never thinks or worries much about the future, yet gets very bogged down with the past. I have the anniversary of Roy's death coming up, although landlord ex and I do have plans, so we can mark the date.

It's really strange, but on the 10th of March, I passed another weird 'anniversary' for me personally. It was the day I started bingeing/ reactive eating, and my eating disorder morphed from anorexia to bulimia. That was five years ago now, but for some reason there's something about the light, and the weather that's bringing it all back. I remember very clearly that sense of isolation, and feeling out of control. At the time I couldn't understand what was happening to me, I did that thing of trying to restrict to compensate, and my body fought back harder... I gained a tonne of weight, going from my lowest weight to my highest, in the space  It took me two years to beat the bingeing, and even now I don't know how I did, although I did just go the other way. I either eat way too little or way too much. It's only now I'm trying to find a balance and work out how to eat like a normal person...

But yeah, I do find myself very mentally drawn back to that time. I guess the weather is similar as I said.

It's weird feeling ok, and content with life and shit, because I really haven't had that at all over the last six years. I still have my moments of getting angsty and agitated, and clock watching, and waiting for it to be time to go to bed, but it is a lot less frequent. I can't remember the last time any self loathing happened, although memories of being unable to stand myself and want to rip off my own flesh are very fresh in my mind. I don't feel them, but I still remember feeling that way.

Well anyway, I went out and humaned a bit on Sunday. I have been spending too much time alone lately, I've felt, so it's kind of good to break that a bit. I had my feminist network meeting, I hung out with my friend, S, in Waterstones for a bit. I did lunch with landlord ex again. The macaroni cheese wasn't as good as last time, more white saucey, less cheesy, but eating it was still a perfectly pleasant experience nonetheless.

I keep feeling frustrated with myself that I won't just let go, but I know it's risky (and no, not because I 'don't want to get fat' but more bulimia related. I am eating an intake now which historically I've always felt a little uncomfortable at, and I do still feel the urge and compulsion to purge.) It's weird, but I have been feeling kind of big lately, even though I know I look the same, just a little less grey and drawn. I'm getting gradually stronger, mentally and physically, week by week, and I do keep on asking myself what losing weight or going back will achieve, and reminding myself that there is more to life than being thin. Anorexia is pointless, and boring. Bulimia is lonely, humiliating and isolating. I don't have a choice in being sick, but all I can do is what is in my own power. Sometimes I wonder why I'm following my meal plan. It's kind of hard this time of year, because I feel depressed anyway. I still struggle with shit like not being able to eat when I perceive I'm not hungry. Lately I have had absolutely no appetite at all, which makes eating a struggle. Every time I eat something I keep wondering why I'm eating said thing. I just keep telling myself 'your life was way worse when you gave in to it, and didn't bother to eat.'

My life is still fairly limited after all. I'm still not doing a great deal. I'm still stuck following my routine. I'm missing my son a lot, and would like to go down to Birmingham to see him, but I feel anxious about visiting, so I've been putting it off, which isn't great I know.

I did buy him presents on Sunday, as motivation! I will have to deliver them!

 

To be honest I've been eyeing this up forever and it's nice to have an excuse to buy it! I spotted they had Star Wars Shakespeare, that amused me way more than it should have done, and made me ridiculously happy! I juuuust about managed to resist temptation (although I suspect I will be back to buy them! Haha!)

I have been feeling like absolute shit these last couple of days, and have done since the macaroni cheese. I'm really fluid retentiony, and I have some weird bulge in my abdomen. My legs felt so weird today I actually ended up taking a photo to see if they looked normal.

 

Conclusion, I think so? They look like my legs... I don't think they're swollen up or anything, although they certainly feel most odd. For the last couple of weeks I've been getting serious muscle pains, and now I'm having the opposite, they've gone completely numb.

Also wanted to see if my outfit looked good! Haha! I do very rarely body check these days, and despite the accusations, again I'm very honest about when I do.

I am also aware I'm thin by the way! Haha!

But yeah, I think feeling crappy when you start eating better is normal. I know at my weight I'm still at risk of many refeeding issues and suchlike. I suppose that's why I'm thankful that I'm not bingeing, because in my experience things do go very haywire then... But then I've actually been feeling physically the way I do post binge, which does feel unfair as I've been slowly ramping things up to avoid refeeding shit. Guess I'm still having to suffer the consequences of my shit diet...

I haven't compensated or restricted to cope though, I'm just carrying on doing what I'm doing in the hope that my system will adjust (plus I really want chips!)

But yeah, there's so much I want to do, and so much I'm struggling with because of my feeling crappy. I was going to see C today but had to cancel last minute which I hate doing. I did manage to get to the shops, but that's about it, and even then I felt like a half dead pregnant zombie type thing... bleurgh!

Still, all I know is I have to just keep at it.

Anyway, on a lighter note! Landlord ex got us choux buns, after I bought choux buns yesterday, I actually got repaid in kind!

 

I had one for my afternoon snack and it was honest to God the best choux bun I have ever eaten. It was sheer bloody perfection!

Life's small pleasures and all that.

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